Stuttgart Senility Centre: Top Mercedes engineers have admitted Michael Schumacher’s abilities have declined so much the 7-times world champion now lacks the ability to be both successful and ruthlessly unethical on the racetrack at the same time, writes our driver deterioration correspondent, Jet Li.
Following a series of disappointing drives in which the 41 year old alternated between finishing last and veering into the path of onrushing opponents, platitudes from Merc bosses that Schumacher would be back at his best if you only gave him 1 more, maybe 3, alright about another 10 races sounded increasingly like total bollocks.
Now, after a Hungarian race in which the increasingly unpredictable German managed to not quite kill his ex-team mate Rubens Barrichello, his own team have announced the unfortunate reality of his shrivelling skill set.
“Mirror….signal…murder”
“At the beginning of the season, we were absolutely certain that despite all scientific evidence suggesting getting older makes you more rubbish at everything, Michael would be the one and only exception to that rule”, Mercedes’ head of sports science, Jimmy Funf-Mengeles said.
“However, after a careful inspection of all available data from the car, engine and transmission coupled with the judicious use of our eyes to watch him weave all over the track at a slightly slower pace straight into his competitors we have reluctantly concluded that Michael is not what he once was”.
“And whilst we’re on the subject we’d also quite like to have a word with Ferrari because we’re fucked if we can see what that once was was, either”, he added.
According to Gerontologist Schuey watchers, these atrophied abilities mean that the former world champion can no longer multi-task to the same all-conquering level when it comes to winning and cheating.
And I say: there was plenty of room to pass on the left
“As we saw in Hungary”, Funf-Mengele continued, “Michael can either drive fast or behave mercilessly – there is no longer enough mental capacity to carry out both without at least one of these functions suffering.”
“A leopard cannot change its spots however and in Michael’s case it would appear he is happier trying to drive his competitors off the road rather than concentrating on being way ahead of them in the first place”.
Scientists are uncertain as to where the relentless drive to commit unspeakable acts of terrifying intimidation come from but some think it might be, you know…because he’s German.
