Maranello: Ferrari have insisted that pictures, footage and commentary by members of its Formula 1 team staff torturing and murdering a defenceless woodland animal are nothing of the sort and anyway, it isn’t illegal, writes our pulling-the-wool-over-your-eyes correspondent, Steve Fuckwit.
The footage, appearing to show incontrovertible evidence of recognisable Ferrari staff brutally dismembering a live baby dear whilst being given detailed radio instructions of the exact order of limbs to pull off by a senior team member were posted on the video-shouting website, YouTube.
In it, members of Ferrari perform several acts of cruelty and barbarism on the innocent animal before, as it looks up helplessly at its heartless tormentors with big brown pleading eyes it is beheaded to the sound of Italian clapping and jeering.
Its body is then ritually humiliated before being set fire to and its charred remains distributed to a by now apparently drunken coterie of mechanics who celebrate its demise by singing songs about how good it is to brutally torture and kill innocent, cute little wild animals, oh yes, oh yes it is, oh yes, it is a tradition that is ours, it is a tradition that will live forever and ever and fuck you world – they appear to say – whilst tucking in heartily to the bloodied and blackened juvenile venison.
When confronted with the evidence this week however, senior members of the Scuderia dismissed the footage as merely harmless traditional prankstering, those outside of Ferrari have little knowledge or understanding of.
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“What you see ’ere ain’t bladdy torture innit”, Ferrari chief Stefano Domenicalli told reporters.
“Issa may look lyca da bloke dere dun an’ gonna stab de deer in de flippin’ eye den cut ees ears off but ees clear to me an alla peepul atta Ferrari dattadur deer issa warree’d abut a fly innis eye anna dah man issa jus getting’ it outta da way off iz litter fayz.”
“Den e’ axia dentally spencer necks 10 minnits cutting is ear off cozzie slips, innit?”.
The head spanner-wielder even went on to suggest that far from being coerced into the 45 minute bloodbath, the 6 week old wobbly-limbed furry bundle of twitching nose and perky white tailed adorableness had actually requested it from the team.
“Look ’ere: dissa deer issa well known toouz. Issa closer fraynd evasinz issa mam gotta killered axia dentally bya ur mickannick, drivinovah ur den doina re verse ovah anna ovah anna ovah aggin.”
“Evasinz, issa blaady art brakin seein iss litter fayz evree day an dough we donna approve off it: we wozza more dan appy to lettim outta iz mizree by brutally mudrin ’im”, he added.
If you go down to the woods today – this never happened, say Scuderia
The footage has however, sparked outrage amongst those who claim that the unthinking massacre of adorable, 4-legged winsome mammals is outlawed under F1’s Concorde Agreement.
“I haven’t seen such blatant, wretched sadism since Nelson Piquet Jr was sacked by Renault”, Red Bull boss Christian Horner said.
“All the teams on the grid love a bit of woodland massacre from time to time but we decided to abide by the rules and ensure all our meat is killed humanely; several hundred at a time in a big, bloodied terrifying factory on the outskirts of a shanty town stinking of shit and death”.
“The way Ferrari have done it has brought the whole sport into disrepute. You know, by everyone finding out”, he added.
Dominicalli, who was busy bludgeoning a bag of kittens against the side of the team’s transporter was unrepentant about his team’s actions however.
“We affa narthin amore to hat atha dan dat we is ickstreemlee inno send”, he said in between the awful eggshell crackle of splintering new born skulls mixed with the pitiful, terrified mewling of tiny creatures being needlessly exterminated.