In Suburbia: The enforced August F1 break has caused consternation in one fan previously convinced he liked all sorts of motor racing not just its self-confessed pinnacle, writes our channel hopping sports correspondent, Chaz Fog-Trendy.
Awakening Monday the 2nd of August following the Hungarian Grand Prix, Brian Swills of Thetford was still digesting the surprise victory of Mark Webber’s Red Bull; the month long break barely registering on his conscience.
Even on Wednesday, the 31 year old quantity surveyor was still seen to be talking to work colleagues about the controversial safety car incident and continued to engage in pointless argument on various F1 bulletin boards about the merits of Felipe Massa’s capitulation in Hockenheim, how good Adrien Sutil really is and who has the hottest girlfriend in the paddock.
With the next weekend looming however, Brian’s realisation that not only was there no F1 race scheduled but none for the next 3 weekends sent the singleton into a sudden tailspin of existential angst.
Race fans enjoying a chat about something else they have in common, such as World of Warcraft or virginity
“I’ve always considered myself a motorsport enthusiast”, he commented. “I couldn’t stand those fairweather fans who only watch F1 and can’t see the merit in the Formula Ford Festival or a BTCC double bill from Rockingham but suddenly being confronted with a month long break I began to dread what I would do with my weekends”.
Swills went on to describe how he aimed to ease himself into the break by attempting to read stories about other disciplines of motorized transport racing entertainment.
“Once I’d scoured every last article about Lotus aerodynamic tests and anodyne, platitudinous team press releases written by a bored PR junket told to drum up column inches simply by reminding the reader their team exists, I thought I’d try and catch up on those formulae F1 had inevitably displaced”, he explained.
It was only when the Norfolk battle re-enactment enthusiast started to delve into F3, CART, BTCC and GP2 headlines however, that he began to realise the gravity of his situation.
“At first I thought it was the heat making me drowsy, or the beer”, he told us, “or the heroin”.
“But then, after about 5 attempts to recollect what this bloke doing quite well in A1GP actually looked like or even what nationality he was, I suddenly realised not only couldn’t I remember what A1GP was but what I was doing reading about something I couldn’t give a shit about in the first place.“
“Basically, it just seemed like a load of pointless bollocks”, he confessed.
Just because this happens every week, doesn’t make it any good
“Sadly, this sort of sports entertainment quotient spectator reality revelation is all too familiar to us“, said top sports entertainment quotient spectator reality revelation specialist, Dr Manfred Egganspoonrays.
“It begins with a belief that something you used to like must have been good because you invested a lot of time in it.”
“But then the patient returns to that thing and, upon realising it was actually crap in the first place, is overwhelmed with an immediate, powerful and intense feeling of self-loathing at the waste and pointlessness of a pastime whose function was solely to generate possible talking points with other lonely social retards or – if they’re lucky – perhaps a plain girl with bad teeth”, he added.
Despite the initial trauma however, Brian was said to be taking it easy amidst a stack of F1 Racings he was going through to try and find that quite interesting 2004 article about Pedro de la Rosa.
“It has come as quite a shock”, he admitted.
“Fortunately, I realised at more or less the same time that I still liked wanking a lot so mostly I think I’m going to be doing that between now and….oh.”
“Spa”, he added.