Das Boat: Paul the Psychic Octopus, Germany’s most famous World Cup predicting cephalopod has stunned viewers in his native homeland by forecasting a 2010 Red Bull meltdown, writes our aquatic bullshit correspondent, Tench Stickleback.
The 2-year-old, 8 legged mollusc has become famous during the World Cup month by uncannily predicting every one of Germany’s results during the tournament.
Asked to select a winner by taking a mussel from a box bearing the flag of either competitor, Weymouth-born Paul, (real name, Steven), correctly selected the winner of each of the Bavarian side’s 7 matches including the habitually successful nation’s failures against both Serbia and eventual winners, Spain.
With the Finals ended however, Paul’s owners were keen to put the Nostradamus nautilus to good use on other sporting events.
Sealife Soothsayer has delighted audiences with his unnatural predictive powers
“Myself and my husband only have the aquarium to provide our income”, owner Heidi Anenome said. “If Paul is really psychic it seems only reasonable to us that his powers should be harnessed for the good of both mankind and the new kitchen we’ve set our hearts on”.
The octopus was then set the task of predicting which of the 2 warring Red Bull drivers would win the 2010 drivers championship.
“As patriotic Germans we were obviously hoping Paul would visit Sebastian’s box”, Heidi explained.
“We even defaced Mark’s a bit by altering his picture to make it look more like James Mason’s character from 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea and threw in some deep-fried calamari to try to influence Paul’s thinking”.
Much to Heidi’s chagrin however, the octoped proceeded to engage in behaviour most Cephalopod atypical.
“Paul went mental”, the animal’s handler related, “one second he was wrapping his tentacles around each box trying to rip them out of their moorings, the next he was attacking the flags with his beak.”
Copycat psychics have been warned to stay underwater indefinitely and breathe in. Please.
“By the time we could intervene, both boxes were in perspex bits and Paul was hurtling about squirting ink all over them, squawking furiously in some sort of incomprehensible octopus dialect: we’ve never seen anything like it,” she added.
Uncanny fortune-telling aquatic life form experts speculated on the Red Bull premonitory rumpus.
“Octopi are normally placid creatures”, Terry Herring of Terry’s Herrings told us.
“That Paul exhibited such violence simply when being asked to make a selection between 2 possible future events suggests his soothsaying octopus mind believed it would only end in tears”.
Long time dead animal anthropomorph kiddy’s entertainer, Johnny Morris suggested another theory meanwhile.
“Paul is already quite old; in human terms he would be 175 next Birthday. It could be therefore that – far from frustration at his premonitory powers being restricted – he has merely gone a bit mental like any typical old person locked in an underwater perspex box and asked to perform party tricks in front of dozens of cameras 24/7 would,” he surmised, from beyond the grave.
“This calamari is absolutely wonderful”, Michael Winner later commented.
