Ganymede: The surprise Friday announcement that Spanish holiday island Mallorca is bidding for a GP spot has encouraged the 7th planet in the solar system to put together its own plans to host a race by 2014, writes our inter-galactic sports correspondent, Flash Aarrrrgghhhh.
The 3rd largest planet in the solar system, gas giant Uranus is largely comprised of hydrogen and helium but according to its Wikipedia entry, “contains more “ices” such as water, ammonia and methane, along with traces of hydrocarbons.”
Despite having the coldest atmosphere of any of the planets of the solar system and orbitting the sun at a distance of 1.687 Billion miles from Earth, the planet was still confident its bid would be taken seriously by F1 Rights Holder Bernie Ecclestone, however.
Ruling planet of Aquarius yesterday, looking pensive
“We are pleased to announce the opening of preliminary talks with Mr Ecclestone to hold the first inter-planetary Grand Prix in a new facility we aim to build on our moon of Titania”, planet spokes-alien, Admiral Akbar told reporters by video conference, 35 minutes after he’d uttered the words from the planet’s surface.
“The track will be a little over 3 miles long, contain state-of-the art paddock facilities and a gravity only one fifth of that of the Earth, ensuring it will be one of the fastest – and most unpredictable – races on the calendar”, the former accountant Cephalopod added.
Many observers were caught on the hop by the announcement. The moon on which the proposed track is to be built has a surface consisting of 50% frozen ammonia and rock, possesses a nitrogen atmosphere fatal to humans and has no public transport infrastructure to speak of but the declaration of similar ambitions by holiday chav mecca, Mallorca is thought to have forced the comedy-monickered planet’s hand.
“There is no doubt holding a race on the coldest astral body in the solar system at least 8 years’ distance from earth using current rocket propellant technology is very ambitious”, paddock pundit, Clint Quantum told us.
Spectators leaving now would reach circuit 4 years too late – 2 years slower than Silverstone
“On the other hand, agreeing to even contemplate holding a race on a skank-infested island famous mainly for the bacchanalian excess of the most fuck-witted lower middle class European tourists that piss and vomit all over it every year, suggests strongly that either Bernie has completely lost it or uninhabitable bodily spheres billions of miles from Earth have as good chance of hosting an F1 race as anyone else,” he added.
The track, which is aiming to host the race 4 years before spectators leaving the Earth’s atmosphere now in order to make it there for the event would actually arrive at the distant moon by, is thought to already have a massive merchandising tie-up with a famous toilet tissue manufacturer and has already commissioned Herman Tilke to draw the same fucking design he always does, confident that this seems to be the only qualification anyone needs to host a Grand Prix these days, apparently.
