First dibs on all that incomprehensible German shit Seb has, insists Webber

MY motor home: Mark Webber has insisted that Sebastian Vettel’s stuff is all his now or at least, whatever he wants is unless he decides he doesn’t want it any more and then maybe Seb can have it back if he’s absolutely positive it definitely won’t do Seb any good, writes our Antipodean meltdown correspondent, Vince Breakfast.

Following the latest Red Bull fracas at the British Grand Prix in which the Australian driver disagreed vociferously with his team’s decision to give the thing he thought made no difference at all to the driver who thought it did, the Austrian team clarified an amendment to its policy of ambiguous favouritism to one of incoherent partisanship.

“Unfortunately, we found ourselves in an awkward position at Silverstone”, a team communiqué communiqued. “Unable to service both cars to the same level we were forced into making a decision that made our Vettel discrimination completely obvious and depressing”.

“Incapable of locating the back of a beer mat quickly enough, the team had to make a call which – regrettably – appears to be utter bollocks now we’ve had time to think about it for a couple of seconds but, you know…we were drinking a lot of Red Bull and frankly, that stuff is practically hallucinogenic.”

“I’m amazed we were even able to string a coherent sentence together to be honest”, it added.

Mark now much happier. On Seb’s bike

Going forwards this now means that – according to Webber – he has first refusal on all his team-mate’s stuff so long as he’s in front of the German in the championship which presumably even he can manage before the next race takes place at Hockenheim.

“I was fair dinkum pissed at the team this weekend”, an angry Webber told the media following his win.

“By not allowing me to screw my team-mate’s weekend by preventing him from having the thing I didn’t want thereby improving my chances by knowing he’d been dicked, made me literally sick”.

“The team have now told me however, that if there is anything of Seb’s I don’t necessarily want or need in future, I can nonetheless claim it if I reckon that in him not having it, that will make him feel worse and me better”.

Paddock pundit Steve BMX believes this puts Webber in a very strong position, considering it also makes him look like a right whining dickhead.

“Mark may have come out of Saturday feeling at rock bottom but he can leave on Sunday justifiably proud of making his entire team feel wretched”, he commented.

Everything now Webber’s, say experts

“Seb possesses a number of things nobody could possibly want or need that Mark could definitely earmark that would make Seb feel bad. I’m thinking specifically about his size 8 Pumas and extra small race suits, German translated Tin-Tin books, Waitrose Christmas Stollen recipe cards and Little Britain DVD collection.”

“In being able to legitimately pilfer these from Seb until his inevitable crash into somebody or something or some other typical Mark balls up, Seb’s compromised mentality will surely improve Mark’s chances”, he added.

Although the special privileges will wear off should Vettel leap back ahead in the standings, Steve reckons it could be significant in the fight for the championship.

“Let’s be honest, neither of them are going to win but if Mark can figure out Seb’s pressure points – maybe it’s his XBox 360 or purple-haired Gonk? there’s every chance he could sneak 4th or maybe 3rd if Alonso can’t control his tendency to shout at everything rather than drive round quickly in circles”, he concluded.

Vettel was thought to be getting comforted by senior Red Bull management with a massive ’99 Flake ice cream with hundreds and thousands on it before being taken to a special exclusive screening of Toy Story 3D for just him and his friends in a helicopter that looked a bit like the one out of Airwolf.

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