Los Holby Citios: A top Spanish doctor has warned Fernando Alonso that one more frustration-fuelled bout of extreme brow-furrowing could result in disaster for the former World Champion, writes our hairy face reconstruction correspondent, Mike Structure.
Following 2 controversial races at Valencia and Silverstone, Alonso left viewers and listeners in no doubt as to the Spaniard’s level of frustration during fruity exchanges with his pit crew over the team radio in which he:
- complained about the unfairness of everything
- told anyone who would listen about all these people ganging up on him
- asked the world to go away in an impolite fashion
- banged his fist on the steering wheel and tap danced angrily on the footwell
It was during the most recent of these Iberian blow-ups that the world famous Institute of Cup Throwing’s Dr Hibiscus San Miguel began to really worry about the Ferrari driver’s hissy fit issues, however.
Alonso outbursts have proved popular with children
“As a patriotic Spaniard I have of course taken an interest in his exploits for many years”, the ear, nose, throat and brain specialist told us.
“The sheer size and thickness of Fernando’s brow beard has however, also been a real concern to those of us conscious that frequent violent creasing through excessive cogitation, anger or sneezing could be disastrous for his welfare”.
The outburst expert went on to describe how recent successive frustrations for the monobrowed Ferrari pilot could have implications beyond merely a larger crockery bill for the Scuderia.
“8 weeks ago Fernando was happy to express his frustrations by rolling his eyes and huffing and puffing in a childish, exaggerated fashion,” the doctor explained.
“Recently however, the level of anger reached has caused his face to turn a bright fiery red, his eyes to pop out of his head and his ears to blow out steam with the sound of an old fashioned locomotive in turn causing his hat to spin round on top of his head”.
Interventionist surgery now sadly inevitable, say experts
“This could result in what we in the medical profession call ’ fatal frown failure’ in which the eyebrow follicles become knotted together such that only an operation can free the sufferer from permanently looking like that character out of Star Trek the Next Generation – you know, the ’good’ Klingon one.”
Just one more tantrum could push the Spaniard over the edge warns the doc, “it is very serious”, he added stroking his chin thoughtfully whilst peering into a test tube.
“The operation takes up to 5 minutes, involves cutting off the unfortunate sufferer’s actual hair and can prove fatal if the person performing the operation slips and rams the scalpel through the brain of the patient”.
A Ferrari spokesperson was unavailable for comment because he was behind a locked door being shouted at continually by an unidentified 20-something Latin gentleman.