Donington Park: F1 fans who have spent several hundreds of pounds on attending the British Grand Prix were devastated to discover that the new Silverstone Arena section is still attached to the rest of the Silverstone track, writes our Christ-I’ve-got-to-go-there-again-this-weekend correspondent, Shufty Paps.
Following extensive renovation work, the Northamptonshire circuit has spent over 5 million pounds adding a new section of track apparently veering away from the rest of it, at Abbey corner.
There is then a new section of turns surrounded by grandstands and – officials hope by race day – a series of horrific corporate marquees, dilapidated Winnebagos selling Lidl’s Value bacon rolls and formica Portaloos reeking of week-old beery piss.
New Arena section built for thrills, say officials
But hard pressed families and fans who have spent fortunes on tickets attracted by the glitzy new feature were left angry when it became apparent that the new section is still attached to the rest of the 60 year old circuit.
“I am gutted”, plumber, Martin Fricasee told us when informed of the tarmac tie-up. “When I heard about the new Arena section I couldn’t wait to come. Now I’ve realised that the track turn off doesn’t continue until it’s safely out of Northamptonshire forever, I just feel cheated”.
Others were even more scathing in their criticism of the circuit swindle. Jan Paintball, a frozen yoghurt sculptress from Hull said, “all I wanted was one frigging year not spent stacked up on the A43 behind an entire family of anoraks who communicate with each other via relating stories they read in Autosport this month, chuckling about how Bob Constanduros pronounces the word, “Kubica”.
Fans arriving at Silverstone – or possibly queuing to get out
“I expected to be watching a decent race in a new venue. Instead I will yet again be watching a high speed procession whilst being visually offended by some of the worst clothing human beings have ever committed to covering themselves with, gagging on the stench of cheap, burning animal fat – in fucking Northamptonshire”, she added.
Officials acknowledged the despair and perturbation of fans but felt their hands were tied.
“We’re as sorry as everyone else is about this,” race official Dustin Quatermass told us. “It would have been lovely if the track could be somewhere people might actually want to visit but there was sadly no choice in the matter”.
The 47 year old signed off with a plea for some perspective from the public however.
“I know it looks bad but at least they don’t have to live here as well. Try and imagine spending every single moment simultaneously terrified and depressed the next second and every single second thereafter will be spent enduring the endless torpid, ugly, despairing fug of this outdoor sci-fi convention centre when these bastards only have to do that once a year,” he pondered.