Marriage Guidance Centre: Top Red Bull snitch, Helmut Marko has put the blame for the disastrous Red Bull Turkey shunt firmly at the door of Mark Webber due to the Australian’s deliberately destructive choice of profession, writes our inter-team bust up correspondent, Felix Twin-Top.
Speaking immediately after the fizzy pop-backed duo’s collision at the Istanbul Park circuit, Marko – the head of Red Bull’s young secret police program – accused Webber of causing the crash intentionally through the wanton and selfish pursuit of a career in motorsport.
“It is plain for everyone to see”, the Austrian told reporters, “Sebastian would never have had his accident if it hadn’t been for that man [Webber] making it his life’s ambition to race cars for a living.”
Webbo should have stuck to what fellow countrymen do best, claims Austrian
“If he’d only done the decent, patriotic Australian thing and set his heart on being a sheep farmer, bartender or drunk the team could have avoided this whole sorry episode and come away with a 1-2; or at least, a 1 instead of a 3”, he fulminated numerologically.
Commentators and busy-bodies have reacted to Marko’s criticism by suggesting the Austrian has analysed the shunt incorrectly, however.
“It’s all very well for Helmut to suggest Webber is to blame for the accident but ultimately, another driver could have been in exactly the same place as him at the exact same time if one imagines a frankly implausible parallel universe in which a completely different human being drives at the exact same speed and position as Mark did for 40 laps”, paddock pundit Fridge Cockrider told us.
“If one can accept this utterly specious argument therefore”, he argued, “Helmut must accept that what is at fault is – with the exception of Vettel – the whole racing driver profession itself.”
Future of F1? Could be if Red Bull have their way, says shit-stirrer
“But once you remove all the other drivers except one it becomes very hard to see how the sport would continue”, Fridge’s perposterous logic continued, now out of control.
“Ferrari could hardly justify their 444 trillion dollar investment each year to sit in the paddock watching Seb race round on his own, for example.”
“Similarly, large numbers of fans would simply stop watching such a spectacle and with even the hard core being reluctant to purchase poor quality, aesthetically dysfunctional team merchandise, F1 would quickly become unsustainable: all because one driver has ropey peripheral vision”, he concluded, breathlessly.
Red Bull senior management were unavailable for comment but were thought to be furiously masturbating over the June Red Bull calendar shots featuring Seb grinning boyishly from under a hat.