Drink Canada Dry: The Canadian Grand Prix organisers have been instructed by the FIA to take over the running of several existing F1 races after the latter were declared to have catastrophically failed to pique interest in the viewing public, writes our tedious racing correspondent, Horrendous Ears.
Following the recent excitement of the Montreal event in which seemingly long-dead F1 customs like racing and thrills were seen to break out, the Todt FIA regime has decided enough is enough and moved to end the continued running of events which by comparison, you’d rather practice scraping Local Authority Health and Safety guidelines into your retina with a shard of broken glass plucked from the vomit of a recently passed out drunk than have to watch.
“The success of their recent Grand Prix, coupled with the fact none of us could actually recall how many races had taken place this year having been asleep during half of them leads us inescapably to the conclusion that Canada should have the opportunity to run any race that does not come up to the standard of one you at least have a vague memory of, 48 hours later”, Todt told reporters.
These men will show you one hell of a good time, says FIA
“No longer will having an FIA-sanctioned soulless aerodrome with no overtaking opportunities in the middle of nowhere, priced out of the reach of all but the flushest families or egregious corporate tossbags be an excuse to not provide top-quality racing”, the horse-faced uber-administrator continued.
Whilst failing to provide precise details about how in Cheryl Cole’s nipsy this was ever going to work, experts suggest one of two possible options.
“There are 2 possible options”, F1 expert Hattie Jaques told us. “The first is that all administrative, promotional and logistical matters are sub-contracted to the Montreal organisers who will then operate these on behalf of any event considered to be a failure”.
“The second option is we just have about 10 Canadian Grand Prix a year but pretend they’re in Barcelona or Bahrain or Silverstone or wherever”, she added.
F1 fans don’t know Maple Leaves from arseholes, say experts. Or girls. Or other people.
Fan forums and other pundits have been swift to criticize the plans however, saying that they risk desecrating F1’s venerable history of recycled teams, emasculated race tracks, gerrymandered results, squabbling, greed and avarice.
Jaques felt the changes could be made without causing much fuss, however.
“This is a much easier exercise than people think, I mean: have you ever met an F1 fan? As long as you got the right national flag up, invited the relevant celebrities – films stars for Monaco, Elton Welsby at Silverstone – dumped enough sand and camels at the hairpin for Bahrain and so on I shouldn’t think any of the gullible asexual freaks would even notice”, she concluded, satirically.
