“Exploitation of pre-pubescent boys our job”, Vatican rebukes Ferrari child signing

Behind the nave, out of view of the congregation: Ferrari’s signing of 11 year old Canadian, Lance Stroll to its Driver Academy has caused fury in the Catholic Church who claim it has a monopoly on exploiting ingenuous, vulnerable children.

Fiercely criticized for a lack of driver options when Felipe Massa was incapacitated by a piece of debris at the Hungarian GP, the Maranello outfit moved to plug this gap by carefully signing every single promising pre-pubescent driver competing in any championship in any of the 4 corners of the globe.

“We are very pleased to welcome Lance to our group”, said Ferrari Driving Academy head, Luca Baldisserri.

“According to the back of this beermat he is a very promising….driver?  and will join a very select group of several hundred other children we’re also gambling on.  We wish him well at least until the inevitable teenage breakdown when we discover we were wrong to begin with and drop him without any ceremony or compensation whatsoever.”

Ferrari young driver

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Ferrari’s karting kindergarten has caused outrage from one corner of the social spectrum however, when the Catholic Church expressed its anger over what it considers inappropriate exploitation of society’s most vulnerable and impressionable citizens: priests’ children.

Vatican spokesman, Cardinal Ron Jeremy said, “thees ’a move from ’a Ferrari ees a beeg ’a reesk forra kiddies.”

“Ayv-a-ree-bodie – espeshly da Caff-oh-lick Church – nose, ees ’a bad eye dear for defayns lace anna vuln-a-rubble leetle keeds 2 ’av theyur chayul-hood rooin’ by a dolts ’oo should no beddah“, he intoned in a dubiously comic Italian accent.

Ferrari child-catcher

Priests are angry at possible reduction of fringe benefits

“Taking these children away from their families at such a tender age can only increase the risk they will simply be exploited by adults in a position of authority and trust; and that’s our job”, he added, all of a sudden un-phonetically.

The Church, which offers few perks for its members save for a chance to alleviate repressed sexual urges through the molestation of children left in their care by irresponsible, credulous adults, think Ferrari’s move could spell disaster for its future recruitment.

“We’re not asking for much”, Jeremy added; “even a brief hiatus for this initiative could give us enough time to regroup and consider alternative freebies such as more meet and greets by his Holiness the Pope, subsidised lap-dancing membership or 24 hour secure, encrypted Wi-Fi for every parish”, he explained.

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