Toyota castigates F1 for failing to come down to its level

High Wycombe Lexus dealership: Top Japanese hydrocarbon spendthrifts, Toyota have accused F1 of being recklessly meritocratic to the ruinous detriment of itself and other relentlessly mediocre race teams, writes our middle-of-the-road hatchback correspondent, Spam Javelin.

Following 9 years of the sort of investment sufficient to support the industrialisation of a small South American country, the largest car manufacturer in the world left the sport at the end of 2009 having reminded the world in no uncertain terms that it had definitely taken part during that period at least according to various people having remembered these red and white cars tooling around at some point or other.

Toyota team photo

Toyota: long, glorious tradition of flogging televisions and camcorders to bovine F1 public

“I definitely recall the Toyota cars racing”, F1 fan Percival Smack told us.

“They were the ones that looked like the Mclarens from the 80’s weren’t they? With the Samsung advert? Or was it Sanyo? Anyway, they’re certainly sorely missed. Or are they still going?” he added, wistfully.

“As a company, we are extremely proud of our contribution to Formula 1”, company spokesperson, Fanny Knackersack told reporters.

“But it became increasingly clear during our tenure in the sport that there was an unrealistic expectation of absolute excellence on our part with no such arrangement of shoddy organisation and amateur engineering on the part of F1 in reciprocation”.

“It was never our intention as a company to exhibit this sort of sustained eminence when we joined the sport”, she added, “as anybody who has careered into a shop window as the result of driving one of our Prius’ or ploughed screaming out of control down a motorway embankment in a Lexus would testify”.

The car in front of this one was shitting itself for most of the journey

Formula 1 somehow reacted with disdain to the Japanese manufacturer’s bleating despite it being a sporting body, rather than a sentient being capable of cogent thought resulting in speech.

“We are disappointed in Toyota’s expressed belief that we are a closed shop of unfettered excellence”, a spokesperson spoke.

“And whilst we are flattered by the distinction, we would like to point out the example of Flavio Briatore who has proven beyond any doubt that it is possible – like Toyota – to act like an ostentatious bauble of flatulent thinking and action, possess a bottomless well of stupefying ignorance for the sport you allegedly spend every day working in and somehow still manage to win”.

“I know it seems like it couldn’t possibly have happened”, he added, “but I looked it up: it’s in the Guinness Book of Records and everything”.

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