Modena school of coughing: A legal firm representing several Grand Prix scrutineers employed by the FIA to srutinise, look at, peruse, probe, inspect, study and investigate the legality of F1 cars has announced it is suing Ferrari for their clients’ ruinous smoking habits, reveals our tenuous litigation correspondent, Zeus Hedges
Following recent announcements by an Italian court accusing the famous team of subliminal fag advertising for its famous “barcode” insignia, scrutineer nicoteen-fiends who have spent the last few years poring over the Scuderia’s cars in parc ferme trying not to find infringements immediately filed a suit seeking damages for their toxic tobacco tendencies.
“We are not pleased to be standing here before you now”, a grinning Rolf Fornicatiatio declared whilst stood in front of the Palacio di Roma di Anjelica Huston, this morning.
Lovely, lovely f-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-g-s-s-s-s-s
“This is a very serious matter”, the beaming litigants’ representative continued. “What is at stake is the health of my clients and the cynical manipulation of European Law by a wealthy automotive manufacturer in league with a purveyor of products that have killed millions of its own customers during that company’s own lifetime”, he continued breezily.
“It therefore beholdens me as someone dedicated to defend the law” Mr Fornicatiatio smirked, “to fight for these defendants’s rights – and health – where it is plain that powerful capitalist forces have conspired against their best interests and therefore also have the deepest pockets when it comes to settling out of court”.
The barcode barney has sprung from the Ferrari team’s continued relationship with US cancer stick pedalling giant Marlboro whose products they are forbidden from advertising explicitly thanks to European anti-tobacco legislation.
Genuine barcodes have felt aggrieved by the stink of nicotine association
The Italian team’s response to the fag farrago – the creation of an emblem of random vertical white or black lines, nicknamed a “barcode ” by the court – was, until now an entirely legal, subliminal means of coercing impressionable fans into taking up the disgusting but utterly alluring pasttime, as several of the litigants have alluded.
“It is disgraceful what they did”, top FIA scrutineer, Theodore Basingstoke told us whilst pulling hungrily on a Capstan full-strength,
“I didn’t even drink before this job but now look at me”, he protested, pointing to his 17 stone over-hanging stomach, “as a direct result of staring at their evil fag hex, I’m compelled to consume 60 of these disgusting, noxious, health-corrupting yet strangely uplifting and joyous tubes of death a day in-between getting through half a bottle of scotch and 2 KFC bargain buckets for lunch and dinner”
“It is very important that we are properly compensated. Oh yes, and have our day in court”, he continued, “though mostly we’d just like the money”, he admitted.
The Ferrari team are said to be mounting a vigorous yet shrill counter-defence to the barcode accusation based around their insistence they’re Ferrari and what’s with a bit of lung cancer every now and then anyway?