Behind you! Michael Schumacher’s Mercedes team admitted for the first time this year that the German’s skulduggery skills were not up to scratch, writes our oh-no-he-isn’t, oh-yes-he-is correspondent, Henry Kissenger.
Having chosen by the Ferrari team to retire 4 years ago, the German’s comeback season has thus far proved to be a disappointment with a best place finish of only 6th in the season’s opening Grand Prix in Bahrain.
As if that wasn’t hard enough for his fans to take however, the lack of incidents in which the German has been seen to weave at, intimidate or openly threaten to a fist fight in the paddock his fellow competitors has left many of his fans even more bereft.
Mercedes feel short-changed on the driving-into-your-competitor front
“Michael Schumacher is the greatest driver that ever lived in the history of the universe of driving”, said one of his many slightly inbred looking fans yesterday, “but I must admit, the lack of instances of other drivers crashing into the armco or spearing off into a gravel trap as a result of the German’s brilliant aggressive driving style has caused even myself to question my allegiance not to mention the 85 pound bill for this ridiculous silver hat and t-shirt combination”.
Sources at Mercedes are said to have become disillusioned with the 7-times champ’s performances but are even more frustrated at the apparent lack of effort made by the German to repeat his talent for dubious chicanery and outright cheating, despite his belated attempts at the recent Monaco race nearly coming up trumps.
“Michael’s cheeky illegal scoot up the inside of Fernando was too little too late as far as we’re concerned”, one Merc mechanic admitted; “it’s already been 6 races but we’d have expected at least 2 drivers to have been scared out of their wits having been squeezed into the wall at 150mph, some dubious mechanical innovations and at least one original but utterly cynical interpretation of the rules resulting in a controversial win”.
Schuey fans wonder when German will return to glory days of being a cheating tosspiece
“Whilst his quickfire exploitation of an ambiguous rule was very nearly successful it is quite frankly not a good enough return from the person who won a race in the pitlane, has driven countless drivers off the track and nearly killed his own brother simply for the temporal, vicarious whiff of victory”.
A spokesdog wearing brown fur and a flying helmet refused to comment on behalf of its German World Champion owner other than hunching it’s shoulders whilst repeatedly snickering in a rasping whistle.