Tamworth Homebase: Fears that Ferrari stalwart skull-crush baby face Brazilian Felipe Massa’s sudden recent enthusiasm for putting up shelves, stud partition walls and kitchen splashbacks is merely a front for a deferred series of violent retributive acts against his team-mate Fernando Alonso, were heightened when it was revealed the Spaniard had had his thumbs insured by personal and Ferrari sponsor Santander, writes our home improvement correspondents, Shed Seven.
Following the announcement that both the double-world champion’s opposible digits had been insured for the sum of £9 million, speculation was brought to a slow simmer as questions regarding the utility of such an act were left largely unanswered during the banking giant’s press conference.
Meanwhile, team-mate Felipe Massa’s recent interview with Brazilian DIY magazine “Doors and Windows!” in which the 2008 WDC runner-up waxed lyrical about his love of the Estwing 20oz All Steel Surestrike Straight Claw over the Stanley FatMax XL Avx Rip Claw Hammer, suggested to many the Spaniard’s pricey pinkie protection had ulterior motives, moving the debate simultaneously to boiling point.
£5m each, £9m the pair – eyebrows extra
“There seems little doubt that Fernando’s motives are rooted in more than just a morbid fear of having them [his thumbs] wrenched off following an over-optimistic assault from Lewis Hamilton or a Torro Rosso style suspension self-destruct at Monza”, top paddock gossip, Fort Boyard told us.
“Clearly Fernando’s recent aggressive moves have had an effect on his team-mate and the Brazilian’s recent spending spree on heavy-duty pummelling equipment would suggest that he has stockpiled them for more nefarious reasons than just erecting a curtain rail or building a new shed to house his Izy HRG 415 PD four wheeled Honda mower”.
“My guess is he is sending a message he’s not happy with Fernando’s behaviour hence the Spaniard shitting himself he may be about to get his hands smashed to smithereens by an errant Faithfull Contract Hickory 7Lb Sledge Hammer”, he added.
Stop – Hammer time! Will be if Felipe gets his hands on team-mate’s, claims insider
Whatever the real reasons for the Santander shell-out however, Boyard observed that the Spaniard’s act may ultimately prove to be an expensive insurance white elephant.
“I think Fernando’s missed a trick here” the idle chit-chat doggerel spinner confided, “all it needs is his wallet to drop on his foot whilst on the razz with his mates getting the next round of San Miguels in or an errant cork from a celebratory bottle of podium champagne to puncture his retina and it’s goodnight Santander: thumbs or no thumbs!”, he pointed out, gleefully.