Future stewarding to be stewarded, say stewards

4 milds please, love: Recent mounting furores concerning inconsistent punishments for driver infringements have prompted the FIA to take stern measures legislating their legislators, writes our slapped wrists correspondent, Maximillian Hootenanny.

Controversial sanction inertia over various veering, weaving and brake-testing activities this year – contrasting with draconian penalties often issued in the past – have forced the FIA’s hand setting up a parallel band of stewards who from the Spanish Grand Prix onwards will check on what is being checked on.

“I think the FIA have realised that letting ex-drivers judge their peers has just let a lot of people get away with murder”, respected ex-steward, Stuart Steward told us.

Stewards yesterday, hard at work locating something illegal on the car that isn’t a Ferrari

“On the other hand, if drivers are now getting away with murder, before it was like the drivers were getting killed for nothing” Stuart continued, “which morally, is like telling an active soldier he can kill as many Afghans as he wants but chucking him in irons if he so much as gang rapes some native Cypriots when he gets back to base: it’s completely unfair on the drivers”, he added.

It’s thought that the new approach will see the existing method for selecting stewards – mates of Max Mosley or Bernie Ecclestone or fucking Paddy McNally, blind, partial to a bit of Italian and/or clinically insane – will remain in place for the forseeable future.

From Spain however, a new system will be introduced which will involve friends of people further down the grandee F1 pecking order such as Charlie Whiting, Sir Stirling Moss or Tamara Ecclestone, sitting in rooms adjacent to the real stewards and scrutinisng their decisions on closed-circuit television screens and web cams.

Bernie’s days of hand-picked scrutineers may be at an end

“This technology has been thorougly tested”, Chief FIA steward, Ted Chronic announced, “on television programs such as Babestation, Babestation 2, Babecast, Party People and Lads Lounge: in the same vein we trust we can deliver similar levels of satisfaction our paying public expect though possibly with fewer tits”, he finished, panting.

Should the new technology be a success, it’s thought that the governing body of football, FIFA will look at it, spend years and years analysing it’s potential before not implementing due to being a bunch of spineless toe-rags.

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