Home and Away: Top fair dinkum square-jawed all Australian Red Bull pedaller, Mark Webber has issued a plea to all broadcasters to show some decent telly on their channels during the forthcoming Australian F1 race this weekend or face a potential Grand Prix viewer meltdown, writes our TV listings correspondent, Felicity Cupholder.
Speaking immediately after what has been commonly agreed is the most boring F1 race since the last one, the 2-time GP winner issued a stark warning for the broadcasters of his home country’s race, painting a potentially catastrophic picture of mass boredom-induced comas should yet another clinically dull event spark mass turnovers by the viewing public only to be confronted with news bulletins, Murder She Wrote re-runs and racing from Chepstow.
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“Strewth mate”, he started, “I reckon a herd of cattle’s served up smaller shits than that pile we all did last Sunday; if we don’t rustle up less of that in Oz the shits on the track won’t even compare to the shits people are going to get with us”, he analysed; “the whole thing’s gonna be a fucking shitstorm!”
And having waded through the controversial Grand Prix gunk, the leg snap king from Queanbeyan went on to spell out his concerns in more detail than merely swearing.
“Another procession like that”, he warned, “and you’d have to be as mad as a cut snake to carry on watching. But if all they’ve got to turn to is Infomercials and Home and Away repeats our fans are going to be cactus in less time than it takes to dropkick a Kookabarra out the Wacca”, he added, sternly.
“We’re going to look a right bunch of drongos if a zombie army of brain dead automaton F1 nuts rise up due to a lack of quality alternative TV entertainment”, he continued, “that’s why everyone needs to pull their bloody weight and get Aussie Rules, best of Bathurst and 24/7 strippers on the air between 6 and 8 this Sunday”.
Webber’s demands have largely been dismissed as scaremongering by those working in television and psychology experts have also contested the Australian’s suggestion that sheer boredom alone is enough to turn a fully sentient human being either into a slavering puppet of the undead who will walk the earth for eternity seeking out and devouring the flesh of the living or a perpetually unconscious vegetable kept alive only via complicated artificial means administered by hordes of medical personnel.
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But others are not so complacent following the warning; “the domestic Channels 9 and 10 have already cleared their Flying Doctors and Prisoner Cell Block H omnibus shows”, media commentator Turpitude Schist commentated, “and there are signs BBC2 have blinked by replacing Something for the Weekend with the Test Card”, he added.
“Clearly some people are worried that this could be the worst example of spontaneous public loss of consciousness since Nigel Mansell opened his mouth”, he carried on adding.
It’s hoped however, that neither mass sleeping sickness, the takeover of the world by swarms of the living dead nor the sacrifice of tedious early afternoon TV for the typical sherry-drinking sexually frustrated housewife will be necessary should the next race buck the trend of the one before by not being excruciatingly boring almost beyond belief.
“Actually, come to think of it that probably is going to happen isn’t it?”, Schist added. “Bollocks”.