Scientists predict “BBC Ask Eddie Jordan” column to be most pointless thing in universe

Launching their coverage for the F1 2010 season, the BBC’s new “Ask Eddie Jordan” column has sparked controversy and comment amongst the science community thanks to its utterly futile reasoning.

Despite being largely lauded in their comeback coverage season, the existence of rentagob shitey-brained beard-fool Jordan in the commentary line-up created much consternation amongst a puzzled, latterly nauseous BBC viewing public last year.

But it was only with the introduction of a forum in which users are actively encouraged to contact the dribble-minded buffoon as if his nonsensical opinion, witless commentary and empty-headed conjecture was actually the unsurpassed knowledge of a towering, universally-respected Oracle, that scientists were moved to comment on the controversy along with the fact that we asked them to.

Can you think of a single thing this man could tell you that would be of any use to absolutely anyone?

“The decision of the BBC to continue hiring the galumphing, brain-rinsed retard for their Formula 1 coverage is a phenomenon we scientists find endlessly fascinating”, top neurologist at the Centre for Working Things Out from Thinking Really Hard, Professor Hector Vector told us.

“The introduction of a portal inviting the possibility that the bottomless drivel generated by his scarcely functioning brain is somehow worthwhile information is an important development however, “ he continued, “for we now believe that the BBC may accidentally have created the single most futile thing in the universe since Vernon Kaye”.

Proceeding to his laboratory in which a number of computer screens blinked random numbers on and off in front of bubbling test tubes, a flickering bunsen burner and a periodic table, the professor proceeded to explain the calculations leading to the astonishing revelation from behind a very thick pair of glasses.

“Blah, blah co-efficients”, he said, “blah enzymes, yak chaos theory – probably – blah improbability drive Steven Hawking to the power of pi,” he carefully explained, brandishing a calculator and a protractor whilst drawing some wavy lines on a whiteboard.

A scientist, yesterday

“It is the single most interesting broadcast related psychosis-probability phenomena I have ever witnessed”, he added in English; “certainly up there with the unfathomable and unbroken employment of Alan Shearer on Match of the Day and the mathematically impossible existence of a human being like Piers Morgan”.

The BBC will be embarrassed about the conclusions coming so soon after the Director General’s strategic review which concluded that the British broadcaster was guilty of wasting money on too many niche interest areas, dominated the web to an unhealthy level and was addicted to keeping that bird who wrote 2 Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps in permanent employment.

“I must say, that as a phenomena it is fascinating”, Vector cogitated, “but as a licence payer I am very upset. I can only hope that part of the BBC remit is his eventual humane culling perhaps by Jake Humphrey pushing him in front of a Torro Rosso or maybe getting electrocuted through the deliberate shoddy wiring of a faulty microphone: then it would have nearly been worth it”, he surmised, before mixing two volatile liquids together and disappearing in a thick white cloud of smoke.

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