ACAS: Reports in the Italian media suggest that pre-season bragging rights to tempestuous internecine hissy fits and internal finger pointing have already been won by Ferrari, writes our flaky relationship adviser, Hoxton Felch.
The Italian team, famous for its history, passion and redness were tipped to begin their season in an uncomfortable atmosphere of low-level sulking, glassy stares and gritted teeth statement deflecting once the identity of Felipe Massa’s new team mate was revealed as top Spanish stropper, Fernando Alonso.
All smiles: but what is Jenson’s right hand really doing?
The subsequent signing by Mclaren of original-then-not-very-then-laughable-and-embarrassing-and-finally Golden Boy, Jenson Button to join Lewis Hamilton however, spurred some commentators to suggest that it was actually now Mclaren that would hold the upper hand for awkward silences and collective discomfort once the 2010 season got under way.
“The signing of Jenson Button was a considerable coup for Mclaren”, body language expert, Courtney Sminge told us. “On the face of it, a completely compliant, polite, unassuming and – almost – humble driver would be the perfect fit to a corporation priding itself on its attention to detail, professionalism and no smoking policy”.
“But at the same time, his deceptive speed, boyish good looks and decrepit lothario father could still be enough to create the sort of tension where uncommunicative debriefs, monosyllabic press interviews and clandestine finger gestures would be a matter of course by the time of the opening race”, she suggested.
F1’s main protagonists are hard at work developing expensive bickering technology
The sudden threat to pre-eminent squabble status hasn’t been enough to knock the Scuderia off its rumpus rostrum however, and evidence has been unearthed that the fag-flogging romantics have upped their game in the quest to be F1’s premier paddy throwers.
“Ferrari have taken the threat of Mclaren’s discord dynamism very seriously”, continued Courtney, “I can see that they have already made steps to create considerable internal brouhaha even before the season has kicked off – which is impressive, given that nobody has even competed against each other yet”.
She observed that the team had:
- Manipulated games of Wii Mario Golf by remotely altering the difficulty level during driver downtime sessions causing arguments and tantrums about who was best
- Photoshopped pictures as if to show each driver kissing or looking at the other’s wife in suggestive ways and leaving them in photo albums during family visits
- Employed a forger to mimic each driver’s handwriting then scrawled lewd slogans about the other’s football team in that hand on favourite memorabilia such as shirts, shorts and snow globes
- Played practical jokes such as putting itching powder in Alonso’s race suit and a plastic dog turd in Felipe’s porridge, implying heavily it was the other driver by leaving tell-tale signs such as discarded paella and novelty keyrings involving a man’s enormous member revealed by moving a spring-loaded barrel
More desperately uncomfortable corporate photos on the cards, say experts
This is considerably in advance of Mclaren’s preparations which presently consist entirely of reminding Lewis his dad doesn’t work there any more via an exclusive supply of special Mclaren insignia’d luminous yellow shirts for John Button and leaving timesheet traces indicating Lewis’ more impressive speed strategically around Jenson’s motorhome such as in the toilet and between his jazz mags.
“Ferrari are looking very strong”, Courtney concluded. “Frankly, unless Lewis and Jenson have collided by Barcelona or given each other chinese burns I fully expect Ferrari to be significantly ahead of Mclaren in team bitching, backbiting, he-said-she-said bellyaching and all round discord,” she added.
