Virgin architect computer solution delusion

Outrun, Level 2 – Ocean Drive: Recent bullish comments by Nick Wirth concerning the innovative use of technology in the creation of his new Virgin F1 challenger are merely the thin end of an incredible technology faith wedge the cocksure designer is keen to keep from his F1 engineer peers, writes our technophile correspondent, Franz Booze.


Speaking after the debut of the new VF01 in which some of the parts the team had remembered to bring and machined to fit the bits they were supposed to fit didn’t fall off, Wirth talked confidently about how his wholly CFD designed car would triumph over the traditional, windtunnel-sculpted versions of his contemporaries, then busy lapping his creation on the Jerez circuit.


“CFD is the future”, the young designer confidently predicted, “I see no reason to continue with the expense and complexity of wind tunnel desgn and have total faith in the technological direction our team has taken with this car”, he added as his new car scattered its bodywork about the Spanish track.

Virgin’s programming team calculate when VR01 will first get lapped

Whilst the Virgin designer’s comments superficially concern the alleged superiority of Computational Fluid Dynamics over the windtunnel however, an insider at the Dinnington factory has made a series of sensational allegations suggesting the ex-Simtek employee’s beliefs blur the boundary of science FACT with science NON-FACT and go much further than the too far his public persona implies the madness has already gone or will be going.

Operation Wolf

“I’m afraid Nick’s public comments are just the tip of a whole delusional iceberg”, secret whistleblower Nigel Thirstcock, a 33 year old lathe operator at the team’s factory told us over 6 disgruntled and increasingly belligerent pints one Thursday lunchtime,

Space Harrier

“The stuff about CFD is just the most palatable stuff he thinks he can tell the media”, the divorced father of 3 continued, “but a lot of his beliefs about what computers can do in F1 are grounded in nothing more than video game and Hollywood fantasy and I think Virgin are going to find out soon that Nick is nothing more than a fantasist”, he added sternly, “including his belief that I should have been reprimanded for installing a web cam in the women’s toilet”.

Fantastical: Wirth’s beliefs risk designer being thought of as laughable mentalist, claims colleague

Spraying a mixture of lager and fragmented Salters Dry Roasted peanuts at this reporter, the owner of a 2 year old Bull Mastiff called Tyson lifted the lid on F1’s youngest technical director’s crazy computerised convictions:

  • Within 3 years Wirth believes the team will be able to entirely do away with their drivers; the cars instead being operated by highly trained chimps using banana shaped remote controls
  • Passive audience interactivity will be replaced with active “virtual reality” suits, mimicking the sensations of the drivers on track via a series of artificial stimulations of the viewers’ bodies such as carefully engineered vibrations, injections of adrenaline or filling the suit with excrement if they are following a Lotus driver into a fast corner
  • Grand Prix will eventually be digitized and run entirely virtually with tracks constructed of giant infinitely customisable lattice grids. Like now, it will be controlled by an evil power-crazed monopolist tycoon but Wirth believes in this computer environment his vice-like control can be relinquished by digitizing a younger member of the F1 fraternity to defeat him from inside his own empire, such as Sebastian Vettel or Jake Humphrey
  • If enough power can be harnessed via a 1980s IBM computer during a strange ritual involving the wearing of lingerie on their heads, a beautiful girlfriend could be created to service the 80 strong workforce and give them all some valuable life lessons about love and family values or something

Mortal Kombat

And despite the threat of immediate dismissal for gross personal misconduct, the 42” waisted driver of a pearlescent Toyota Yaris, registration TF32 0GP insisted there was no personal axe to grind.

Virgin upgrade: additional RAM following hardware installation, etc, etc

“I know I’m up before a disciplinary hearing”, he admitted, “but I just want the truth to be known as I have a lot of friends here and don’t want them to be made a laughing stock of. Besides, Nick is a good man and I’m fully confident that he will exonerate me once I’ve explained that the camera was just supposed to be looking for an infestation of mice but kept being triggered by falling knickers breaking the infra red beam set up to look for rodents”, the Charlton Athletic season ticket and National Insurance No. NZ14786C holder, said.


If true, the revelations will further hinder the already precarious ambitions of the new team threatening the confidence of both its backers and employees and if false then you have just wasted your time reading all that shit.

Hungry Horace

Richard Branson meanwhile declined to comment as he was busy being a twat overseas in front of a large number of people again.

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