Yee-haa, California: North Carolina based rookie team USF1 today announced the exact nature of their YouTube technology partnership when it was revealed that the giant American video snippet broadcaster and progenitor of pre-pubescent hissy fit online shouting was to create a virtual American driver for the US concern, writes our overblown patriotism correspondent, Phelps Bandit III.
Ever since the US chauvinist charabang’s Australian born naturalised English journalist head, Peter Windsor announced the tie up with the world’s most popular entertainment channel for kittens falling off sinks, overseas goals and Downfall parodies, there has been intense and excitable speculation concerning the nature of the partnership.
But when details emerged in August last year suggesting the head of the media internet video collage service, Chad Hurley was merely “assisting with USF1’s corporate strategy”, baseball cap wearing American flag fawners’ fist-pumping began to reduce in frequency as commentators questioned the viability of the whole Stars and Stripes jiggling enterprise.
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And with the initial gun-toting, rooting-tooting start-up enthusiasm winded by the YouTube doubters, a further Star-spangled spanner was thrown into the mix when it became clear the outfit were struggling to fulfill their putative 2009 pledge of only placing US citizens in the new car, being developed in a top secret rodeo arena cum drive-in movie theatre near their base at the 5th and 10 line scrimmage.
So when the nationalist jamboree finally announced 2 weeks ago that their first signing was in fact the former Argentinian Renault test driver, Jose Maria Olazabal the nation’s dream of an all-singing, all-dancing eff wun team to kick those limey Yurpians asses seemed an even more distant dream than the surreal hallucination it initially appeared.
But this week the online clips bazaar finally struck a blow against the doubters and for the home of the hotdog and extraordinary rendition by revealing that it is developing a high tech answer to America’s apparent inability to produce a driver with either enough talent or money to compete at the lowest end of the highest echelon of motorsport.
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“Yee-Haa! Holy moly and Woop-dee-doo!” said the head of the company’s Online Dee-velpment Sennur, Austin Tallyhackle the 5th of Alburquerque the 2nd Jnr.
“It is a great day for us and a great day for America”, the corpulent tub thumper eulogised to a lecture theatre full of credulous employees.
“What we propose is nothing short of revolutionary. Using nothing but US invention, ingenuity and the money of bored, exploitable ignoramuses everywhere, YouTube will create none other than the perfect driver for USF1 – in virtual form!”.
Austin then went on to demonstrate, through a series of multi-coloured, bewildering Powerpoint slides, 20 second grainy clips in which the focus of the viewer’s attention was rarely at the centre of the screen or in focus and 6000 cubic litres of dry ice, the future of driving.
The virtual video snippet storeroom, it was revealed would amalgamate all the clips of the best driving and drivers – both real and fictional, (though not the film, “Driven”) – to create an idealised chimera driver program which through the power of digital technology, computers, flashing lights and complicated wiring looms, would produce the YouTube US Ultra-Pilot ™.
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The Avatar ace would then be fed a carefully calculated digital stream of all-American content including foods like hamburgers, apple pie and buckets of sugary drinks as well as attitudes and opinions such as a myopically parochial sense of history, unquestioning vindictive Christian fundamentalism, a terror of collective government planning and the repetition of the word “freedom” 50 million times a second.
“By these means”, Austin continued, “provided we avoid using the film, “Driven”, we will have created not just the perfect driver but the perfect American. The perfect American driver that can kick some perfectly un-American eff-wun butt!” he eulogised as corporate-uniformed sheep whooped and hollered around him in a Stars and Stripes genuflecting fug of depressing incomprehension.
It is not clear from the presentation how the science works nor how – if it did – a computerised avatar of pure electrical energy could control the physical entity of a racing car, or obtain its Superlicence or exist outside a virtual world controlled by a series of algorithmic commands but that didn’t dampen the enthusiasm of gathered imbeciles.
“Hickory-dickory-dock kimmo sabe mo-fo’s!”, Austin finished: “this is a beautiful day for demonstrating American greatness. And if in the meantime we have to hire 2 mediocre foreigners whose abilities are mainly in attracting millions of dollars of corporate sponsorship, I think we can all be equally proud of American lingual ingenuity at making vacuous, outrageous promises that are impossible to fulfill yet appear credible enough to some increasingly dim-seeming backers”, he flourished, brandishing a cheeseburger whilst firing a Colt 45 into the air.