Between the cracks in the pavement: Procrastinating Teutonic comeback kid, Michael Schumacher’s recent pilfering of his team-mate’s number, far from merely being yet another example of the German’s voracious appetite for psychological one-upmanship has actually unearthed the true extent of the 7-times champ’s obsession with lucky charms and superstitious gobbledygook, writes our guest dead rock star old-wives’ tale correspondent, Michael Hutchence.
Barely as the ink had dried on the exact details of when and where Schumacher’s new Mercedes team-mate would pull over, stories that he had already demanded race numbers be swapped with the pre-allocated numeral of his new team mate rumbled round the paddock as another typical example of intimidation the multiple world champion made his own over a long and sort-of distinguished career.
That the latest act of railroading came before the season had even started, said critics, was merely a reflection that the Kerpen leopard had failed to change his spots whilst on his 3 year sabbatical of selling Dutch petrol, sitting ominously on the Ferrari pitwall, annoying his wife and falling off motorbikes.
Schuey gets ready to stamp on his team mate’s head once more
But delving into the veteran’s stated motives that the number he had been allocated held auspicious omens has revealed the full extent of a hitherto unknown superstitious nature for the man many consider to be the greatest driver of all time.
“Most people believe that the only reason Michael has been so successful is his relentless work ethic, the ruthless intimidation of his closest competitors on the track, his psychological crushing of whatever team mate joined him mandated by his employers and codified within his contract, his teams operating at the cynical edge of legality in blind subservience to his domineering personality, both a governing and commercial body interested only in protecting its most valuable assets in the shape of Ferrari and a lucrative German TV audience and the fact he was better than everybody else”, top F1 historian, Brian Haystacks analysed.
Mystic runes like this could be the real source of Schumacher’s powers, suggests this weirdo
“But if you speak to Michael in private or even – thanks to a court injunction – are reduced to following his every move and utterance through the media, paying close attention to the very specific meanings you – and you only – know he places on certain aspects of his life, one realises that he actually ascribes a great deal of his success to abiding by many, many superstitions”, he exclusively revealed from his Lincolnshire caravan park home.
And over the years, through a complex, uniquely contrived system of careful observation of Schuey’s words and deeds, some Excel spreadsheets and this Ouija board, the unemployed carpet fitter with 3 convictions for indecent exposure went on to detail the ex-champ’s long list of nonsense beliefs and superstitious gobbledy-gook he claims the German has clung to in the belief it gave him a crucial edge on the circuit.
Driving for his entire career without mirrors, believing a breakage caused 7 years bad luck, “proved” by his 7 subsequent titles
Refusing to get into the car if he spotted a Jackdaw
During Ferrari lunches and dinners, never having 13 meatballs on his plate at any one time
Nodding whenever he saw the chequered flag believing its black and white colour to be symbolic of, “the devil’s bird” – the magpie
Not driving over the cracks in the tarmac
“It is entirely in keeping with his folklore-bothering convictions therefore”, said Brian prior to being interrupted by local police and manhandled into a waiting patrol car for an unspecified complaint made by a local minor, “that his insistence on swapping numbers was down to a psychological subjugation to this pagan belief system and a simple desire to avoid bad luck than the superficially plausible reasoning given by journalists that he was, once again being a cunt”, he shouted between repeated shoves and requests to get into the car by the arresting officer.
Mystic Mug: German legend could be hampered by belief in sham shamans
If true, it is a fascinating insight into the great man’s psychological mind set and a possible concern for his new employers, Mercedes who are said not only to abhor the use of wood in their motorhomes but are keen to hold onto their mascot black cat, Lustig and whose fire retardant gloves are said to be too thick for their owners to be able to cross their fingers.
“It is going to be tough for Michael”, Brian yelled through the gap between the window and the door frame, “but if he drives without fear and keeps hold of those lucky Sparco scuds, I can quite easily see him grab an 8th championship in 2010”, he concluded above the repetitive din of the police siren.