Madame Guillotine: Alan Donnelly has been warned that, in keeping with the association’s long held policy on penalty appeals, any failed protest he lodges against his sacking as chief steward by the FIA could be met with a further punishment of death by firing squad, writes our disproportionate penalty correspondent, Spastiss Frent.
The now ex-head of the FIA’s notorious stewarding cult, Donnelly was relaxing at his home in Saffron Walden last week, cheerily pointing out to his wife and family their personal flaws followed by the distribution of remedial fines when news was handed to him of his removal of said body by incoming head of the FIA and chief broom-wielder, Jean Todt.
As head of the FIA’s Law and Order Ubermenschen wing for the last 2 years, Donnelly was held largely responsible and derided for a series of mystifying stewarding decisions usually involving the penalising of a silver car and the promotion of a red car, or the failure to punish the red car and the penalising of the silver car anyway after which the owners of the silver car would complain leading to further penalties.
In happier times, Alan attempts to work out how he can penalise the non-Ferrari again
With the removal of previous chief FIA incumbent and top Aryan erotica fan, Max Mosley however, replacement Todt was keen to see a new man in charge of the governing body’s department of draconian penalties, partisan judgements and flummoxed babbling.
“Jean was sick to his stomach of all the blatant, incompetent gerrymandering going on with the stewards”, a source close to the Roman Polanski lookalike said last night, “he made it perfectly clear that any gerrymandering should be far less obvious so moved to get rid of Donnelly who he felt was fiddling on Ferrari’s behalf far too blatantly”.
For his part, the former Labour MEP was shocked by the ruthlessness of the Frenchman’s actions and was initially moved to fight the sacking until he was reminded of the body’s tendency to unfathomably ratchet up the initial penalty if the accused had the damn cheek to query its judgement, evidence or sanity.
FIA stewards: firm but fair, claim FIA stewards
For sure as eggs is eggs and Michael Schumacher will crash into somebody at some point this year, Donnelly realised that he had not only to be certain he would win any clash of employment law but that this certainty must not be in any doubt.
“Alan is sure he has a very strong case”, Sally continued, “but sadly, the only penalty stronger than dismissal the FIA have at its disposal is for him to be taken from the court and placed before a firing squad where he would be shot through the heart by up to a dozen trained marksmen.”
“Unfortunately, it is this risk of a humiliating and violent death that is preventing him from pursuing his completely legitimate employment dispute: it is a tragedy”, she burbled.
But Donnelly’s replacement, Dick Dastardly was quick to pour cold water on his predecessor’s HR humiliation saying that the former government apparatchik knew full well what the rules were.
The official FIA firing squad going through their paces yesterday, (target is behind them)
“It’s tough”, Dick commented when asked by us to comment, “but it’s quite clear, right from page 1: the opening declaration of the big book of stewarding rules says, “whosoever denyeth the infallibility of the stewards – given so by divine will – is going to wish they flipping hadn’t; so help me, Max”.
“It is therefore entirely legitimate that, in the result of an unsuccessful appeal, Alan’s life should be terminated in a volley of gunfire, his body separated by its limbs and torso fit only as carrion for crows and vermin and his head placed on a pike as a warning to others”.
It’s thought that should an appeal go forward, marksmen other than FIA stewards will be used because the former would be unable to see the target or operate the weaponry.