Helmands Mayonnaise: the abject failure of Ken Andersen and Peter Windsor’s USF1 team to even build, let alone race its own car has become such a figure of fun that they are even an embarrassment to the subjects of the war torn country their own government is busy blowing the shit out of, writes our hubristic team correspondent, Snake Pliskin.
The recent, public unravelling of the Charlotte-based constructor’s plans in which a series of delays and lack of public announcements concerning driver appointments and progress coupled with damaging rumours concerning missed payments, employee confusion and management incompetence was a greatly humiliating experience for the team, putatively created as a showcase for American technology and expertise.
It has become clear that the double-discomfit of F1 team flop and totemic US travesty is now a triple misfire however, with the news that even Afghanistan nationals feel a mixture of sorrow and pity at the petrol-powered Star-Spangled manglers despite being accidentally cut to ribbons by their representative government’s ordinance most mornings.
“A bit harder than we may have led you to believe we thought”
“It is very embarrassing”, Kabul shopkeeper Mustafa Comedyname told us, “every day their soldiers and missiles are indiscriminately shooting, maiming, blowing up and obliterating ourselves and our livestock yet that is still less unimpressive than the shipshod planning, amateurish PR and inept financial management shown by this USF1 team,” he concluded damningly.
“When the team was launched last year there was a great deal of excitement and anticipation in our country: we believed – Allah be praised – it would be a glamorous portrayal of American technology but instead it has shown itself to be merely as stale as my camel’s farts”.
Others were equally condemnatory of the flag waving fiasco, “it is very hard for us to look to America – may their children be struck down by crooked teeth and ingrowing toenails – with respect any more”, local Taliban commander Cat Stevens admitted.
“Only if Nelson Piquet Jr and Jaques Villeneuve were their drivers, Nigel Stepney the technical director and Colin Kolles team principle – may God’s fiery wrath be upon them with the heat of 100 suns – would our contempt be any more pitiful than it is today.”
Celebrating last year’s Bahraini qualifying: on Sunday the truck was found burnt out, sprayed with gunfire and the words “son of a Japanese whore” written in illiterate Arabic on the sun visor
“They have tried to hitch their wagon to the stars”, he continued, “but – by the power of Grayskull! – have merely succeeded in harnessing a pantomime horse to the rotting gas of a conceited patriot’s burning flag, thereby shaming the whole of America in the eyes of our people”.
And as the errant thud of one more mis-directed NATO cruise missile shook the ground and streaked the morning air with the stench of innocent burning human flesh, another local busy cleaning camels in his garage forecourt was scathing about the 2 team principles,
“I tell you what”, he said, “those 2 muppets – what are they called? Andersen and Windsor? If them 2 know what’s good for ’em they’d better not show their faces round here with their hubristic, nationalist sporting emblems. It’s worse than bloody Michael Andretti, I can tell you”, he told us.