Schuey fan return: Mullet & Euro-Disco costs spark circuit bankruptcy fears

Vind aff Change: Michael Schumacher’s comeback has sent European racetracks into a kraut-crowd induced tailspin thanks to the multiple world champ’s army of sartorially challenged German fans following the new Mercedes driver out of retirement and into the 2010 F1 calendar.

The return of the 7 times world champion has sent a shockwave through the sport’s cerebral cortex, round its central nervous system, down its spine and shat pure anticipatory excitement out its arse. Past drivers, commentators, team principals and common crooks have all enthusiastically endorsed the return of F1’s most successful driver and intimidatory bastard of all time, believing it will enliven the show for 2010 and heighten ticket sales.

“All indications point to a jaw-dropping season. Fans will love it”, said Bernie Ecclestone. Lewis Hamilton meanwhile talked about the “thrilling prospects” for 2010 whilst even his new team-mate, Nico Rosberg sounded enthusiastic: “it is fantastic that Michael is returning to Formula 1”, said the young German, in between uncontrollable sobbing.

He-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-ere’s Mickey!

But one potential body of interest has remained resolutely tight lipped about the impending excitement even to the extent of crying foul, demanding that Ecclestone reimburse them for extra measures the tracks had thought long since redundant.

“I know that everyone is getting very excited about Michael’s return”, track owner Belvin Shropshire said, “but what people have failed to understand is that any extra increase in revenue due to ticket sales is immediately mitigated by the need to protect our traditional customers from the hordes of mulletted, aesthetically repugnant Germans now returning to us like the Visigoths’ invasion of Rome in 410 AD under King Alaric 1”, he added.

Amongst several incurred charges Belvin believes may bankrupt several tracks next year, he listed the main causes of circuit ire as:

  • Additional ear defender costs due to inevitable repeated playing of Scorpion and Europe records
  • Increased parking capacity requirements thanks to vast, beer-laden camper vans
  • Special issue sunglasses to reduce steward nausea induced by the rhythmic movement of thousands of hideously stencilled, multi-hued, non-standard nylon teamwear
  • Extra Schnitzels

This sort of sight could be sadly endemic in 2010

“We are all, from Silverstone to Turkey, Monza to Monaco and Belgium to Buckmore Park extremely concerned that this apparent delight could easily become a disappointment, a debacle or something else really bad beginning with D”, Belvin continued, all sonorous and that.

And whilst the circuits are not holding out much hope that the notoriously tight-fisted little shit bag, Ecclestone will grant them any favours Belvin for one is adamant something must be done to avert disaster, “disaster! That was the other one – it could become that as well”, he recalled triumphantly.

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