Ralf F1 drive speculation mostly limited to inside of Ralf’s mind, claim reports

La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la: Recent heightened speculation that, together with his brother, Ralf Schumacher was about to re-join Formula 1 are said to have originated, been spread, achieved a modicum of credibility and been taken seriously by others solely from inside the ex-Toyota driver’s head, writes our escaped lunatic correspondent Les Ferdinand.

Schumacher – or “the other Schumacher” as he became known – has been busy during his 2 years away from F1 setting the tracks of Germany to sleep in DTM; occasionally appearing alongside the rest of the midfield or sort of just off the back of the leading pack of 6 cars or maybe that one that’s just crashed at the side of the road.

It is not clear whether the process of being trapped in a metal box sucking petrol fumes has had a direct impact on his mental state but the belief that he has a chance of returning to F1 in some capacity as a driver rather than, e.g. a Paddock Club rent boy does suggest some sort of induced doo-lallyness.

Ralf is actually a giant, these cars are real and you think he’s pretty good

“I know that my reputation suffered while I was at Toyota,” he said apparently not trying to break the record for the most obvious statement ever to have left the lips of a human being, “but I know what I can do and feel good and ready,” he added, obtuse enough for everyone else to wonder whether he was talking about driving a racing car or something else entirely such as an ability to make a really nice onion gravy or wee higher than his brother.

The former Grand Prix winner went on to suggest with a faraway look in his eye that he had a firm offer from an imaginary team which sadly did not match up to the high standards of the fictional team racing in an abstract F1 series round and round a sequence of hypothetical circuits inside his head and he had had to turn them down in a non-existent voice.

“There were a couple of F1 teams extremely interested in signing Ralf up for 2010”, said the German’s spokesperson, a Leprechaun called Little David Fiddly-Dee, “but unfortunately they simply weren’t up to standard and Ralf’s not in it just to make up the numbers or for the money”, he exclaimed in pixie dust before disappearing in a puff of magic jaw-dropping hypocrisy.

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