Kimi Raikkonen’s move to the WRC has created safety fears amidst administrators of the tin top gravel bashing woodland havoc spectacle.
The vodka-guzzling 2007 F1 world champion’s move had long been on the cards following the Finn’s debut at his home rally earlier this year in which he wrote off his Fiat Punto attempting a handbrake turn round an elk.
But whilst many commentators fear for the Iceman’s safety it’s been revealed that officials for forthcoming events are more concerned about the ex-Ferrari driver’s predilection for crashing into Force India cars and have issued an edict to remove adverts for Kingfisher beer, Whyte and Mackay whisky, orange and lime Tic-Tacs, Irish tricolores and Bombay Mix from all trees, railings, boulders, timing beacons and fellow competitors in a bid to protect Kimi from his Indian flag-baiting tendencies.
Kimi is just itching to get his hands on his state-of-the-art rally mount
“It is very important with inexperienced drivers like Kimi that we keep them as protected as possible”, Health and Safety rally expert, Minjiis Ping! told reporters.
“Whilst we in the rally community are unaware of his precise abilities due to being covered from head to foot in mud 24/7, over the radio we have heard rumours that he has a habit of spontaneously hurling himself at this specific team and have therefore taken measures to ensure any psychosomatic visual self-harming stimulus be removed from anything solid enough to impale himself on”.
Raikkonen, who was forced into exile from Formula 1 when it was revealed that he hadn’t been trying all that hard since around 2001, will drive an up-rated Citroen BX 1.9 turbo diesel in the forthcoming Rally Championship which kicks off with the Finn throwing his car down a mountain towards the nearest bar, sometime in January.