BBC Sports Personality of the Year: British public reiterate they really, really fucking hate F1 – honestly

Semi-detached Barratt home on grey, anonymous, dreary, Mondeo-riddled street where legions and legions of overweight, unimaginative middle-managers live out their flat-screen tv, wireless, smokeless, tasteless, pointless lives with their saggy, gin-addled, desperate housewives, bored children and…come friendly bombs, etc.:F1 enthusiasts from as far away as the North were left reeling on Sunday night when it was revealed that British sports fans probably prefer competitive macrame to the pinnacle of motorsport, writes our sports award correspondent, Darth Taylor.

Leading into the glittering BBC sports clip amalgam highlights package at a draughty sports hall in Yorkshire, pundits and F1 fans made Button the overwhelming favourite against a line up that included a pre-pubescent swimmer, substitute footballer, morose tennis player, hairdressing accident and a cyclist.

 

Attendees at the BBC bash were left gobsmacked so many Man Utd fans knew how to dial a phone

But following the 4 hours of crackerbread dry, charisma-bypassed back slapping, audience members were shocked awake when it was revealed that the new British Formula 1 world champion had been beaten into second place by a man famous for an indifference to shaving in between kicking a ball with his more talented friends for most – but not all – of the same Saturdays they were kicking the same ball since 1991.

“I am absolutely shocked”, said a shocked man, “shocked and gutted: I can’t believe it”, adding, “unfortunately I have now run out of sporting cliches and must now revert to inarticulate silence due to my inability to communicate any way but hyperbolically”.

Others present joined in with the attempt to narrate their inability to do just that, “we are speechless” said another man who wasn’t, “and like the previous shocked man, can’t believe it either”, as for the 3rd year running a high profile F1 driver was denied the chance to clasp the broadcaster’s hand-embossed brass carriage clock-effect trophy to his team-sponsored bosom.

Button took horror of losing in his stride

Button for his part was magnanimous enough not to burst into tears however, despite having to push past a 100 metre long gangway of fellow sportspeople to accept a hollow bauble cementing the reality that his achievement still wasn’t enough to make the public think he was even fractionally more interesting than a man who achieved his popularity by not being quite as good as his team mates for the last 20 years but not employing a publicist to try and convince people the opposite was true.

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