Behind the FIA shed: the gathering stench of abandoned manufacturers round the back of the F1 paddock has forced the sport’s governing body to convene an extraordinairy session of its incredible council in the Place de la Concorde’s unbelievable room to discuss re-branding the sport, reveals our downgraded sports correspondent, Cheralton Hockey-Mask.
News that only Ferrari and Mercedes Benz could be left as manufacturers following the departure of middle class guilt assuaging crypto-electric minibus manufacturer, Toyota amidst rumours that French fraudsters Renault are soon to follow them out the door has brought panic, fear and above all panic to the highest echelons of the sport’s mountain tops.
“Everyone is extremely concerned about what’s happened,” one insider blathered. “This is supposed to be the pinnacle of world motorsport but now it’s starting to look like a Bank Holiday international edition of Superchamps”, he scaremongered.
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And despite a significant hinterland of non-manufacturer F1 history, the plethora of manufacturers in the noughties led many to assume F1 could not survive without the patronage of at least half a dozen dizzyingly profligate family hatchback builders fighting to out-spend their nearest rivals on pounds per point by demonstrating the slight inferiority of their technology between themselves week in, week out.
But with first Honda, then BMW pulling out the prospects of more multi-billion pound shitbox builders pulling the plug on Grand Prix racing has caused the normally unflappable* FIA to call for drastic measures.
“The FIA are calling for drastic measures”, said the insider.
“Everyone has got so used to the sexy glamour the builders of cars such as the Yaris, Accord and Twingo brought to Formula 1, their replacement by teams who sound like branding exercises for soft drinks mean that they [the FIA] feel they can no longer justify calling this sport, Formula 1.”
Manufacturer exit prompted fears of F1 glamour erosion
And whilst any potential new F1 monikers are being kept under wraps, the possibilities being considered are believed to include any and all of the following:
- Grand Prix League
- Formula 2.1 (+)
- International Quik-Pilotz
“Desperate times call for desperate measures”, continued bloke; “if F1 is to retain its cache as the pinnacle of world motorsport, the very name itself requires mothballing in case its image is permanently tarnished by these small fry private teams whose only F1 qualification is years and years and years of being extremely successful at doing much the same thing on a smaller level.
“It is imperative that we maintain the image of F1 being about multi-billion dollar investment”, he concluded, “and one of the ways we can do this is by not having people turning up and achieving more or less the same thing by only spending several million dollars.”
*in the context of previously massive levels of de rigeur flappableness