FIA seeks Flav zombie status clarification for possible defence plea failure sanction extension

George A Romero’s house: The FIA has admitted it will seek clarification on Flavio Briatore’s status as a member of the perpetual undead should the disgraced ex-head of the Renault F1 team fail in his bid to see his motorsport ban lifted in January, writes our ghosts n’ goblins correspondent, Jeffrey Dahmer.

Following the initial hearing – whose verdict was put back to January to allow Briatore to locate whichever media outlets he hasn’t lied to about his innocence yet – it has been revealed that the FIA may seek to extend the punishment – which currently covers merely the Italian’s lifetime – should the court find in accordance with the original October prosecution where Briatore was found guilty of fixing the Singapore 2008 race with Pat Symonds and Nelson Piquet Jr.

Flav’s future Monte Carlo attire could have to adapt to undead status, say experts

In accordance with current FIA practice where appeal failures automatically receive even harsher sanctions, the motorpsorts governing body is considering the possibility Flavio may join the ranks of the incorporeal phantasms at which point his existing ban would necessarily lapse, allowing the jowly incomprehensible middle-aged playboy the chance to e.g. come back to Renault as team principle or perhaps join the Chevrolet WTCC squad in an administrative role.

“The FIA are very keen to lock down any possibility of Flavio ever having a significant role in motorsport ever again”, professional Paddock pundit Peter Peterson proffered. “Briatore has shown himself to be a wily old fox over the years and it would be just typical if he ended up joining the undead purely so he could wrestle his old job back or get under the skin of the governing body by for example helping to administer a GP2 team’s travel budget”.

Flav: could he look any worse than this as a perennial suppurating animated corpse?

And despite the apparent inherent difficulties in achieving Zombie status – being cursed by voodoo magic, contaminated with an alien virus or bitten by a fellow reanimated human corpse – the FIA are leaving nothing to chance that this unlikely occurrence would see the blathering great Italian fatso return to his favourite pitwall haunt.

“It certainly is a reflection on how far Briatore has fallen in the eyes of the sport’s governing body to see the extent they are willing to go in order to never see him on the grid again”, continued Peter.

“Personally speaking, I think it’s a shame that we will never see the flamboyant blunderbuss huffing and puffing up and down the grid like in the old days: with or without the spastic, horizontal arms, deathly green pallour of decomposing skin, fatal head wounds and low guttural moaning so familiar with the unearthly, black-magic induced sentence of the wandering cursed corpse”, he added.

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