B&Q: F1 paddock pundits, stunned by Jenson Button’s signing by Mclaren have insisted the Woking outfit may have bitten off more than they can chew by failing to account for another dad in the motorhome each race weekend, writes our Help the Aged correspondent, Gaz Taps.
Button’s tortuous contract negotiations – which have recently been serialised in the Daily Mail – finally came to a head this week when the new World Driver’s Champion allegedly inked his name to a Mclaren contract in a smaller font, just under and behind Lewis’ 10 inch high golden typescript which covered the entire page.
But the 2009 champion’s apparent dream move may have been fatally compromised when it was revealed that Mclaren are sorely underprepared for the British star’s male parental entourage, especially given their current commitments to Lewis’ father, Anthony.
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“Mclaren are cock-a-hoop the number 1 is going to stay on their car for next year”, paddock commentator Colin Comments commented, “but their ability to retain that for a third year is going to be severely tested by their inexperience in dealing with more than 1 elderly male parental hanger-on”, he said.
Whilst on paper the deal makes Mclaren one of the strongest teams in 2010, there is strong evidence that negotiations were toughest around guarantees that John Button – Jenson’s semi-coherent, grizzled, perma-tanned father – would be taken care of adequately by the Woking outfit whose demands included:
- Complimentary tea and biscuits at all times during the Grand Prix weekend
- Free pair of sheepskin-lined luxury Drapers slippers
- A secluded shed fully stocked with a range of power tools for downtime tinkering
- The complete Johnny Mathis back catalogue
- Subscription to all UK middle-brow tabloids with which to become suitably morally outraged
- Werthers Originals
“Everyone is talking about the hard ball Jenson played on his salary but few people realise that the deal would never have happened if Mclaren had compromised on the provision of complimentary nips of brandy before bedtime and a cantilevered 3 step leather reclining armchair in the communications centre during race weekends”, Colin added.
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And whilst many believe Jenson and Lewis will get on well, it is unclear how the undoubted shift in parental freebie patronage will go down in the Hamilton household where it is believed Anthony merely has provision for a disabled parking space, unlimited coffee and biscuits on race day only and a complimentary monogrammed Mclaren bath robe which he has to have dry cleaned and handed back to the team at the end of the season.
“In trying to put these 2 dads in such close proximity, Mclaren run the risk that there could be some real Senna vs. Prost style handbags all over again; only in fisherman’s hats rather than crash helmets and provided they can still remember what they’re doing in this room and why they were so angry in the first place”, Colin Comments’ carefully considered crtique concluded.