Inside this volcano: Fears that Jenson Button’s crawl to the world F1 driver’s championship would result in the mass unconsciousness of its target audience prompted the rolling out of a hitherto secret “exciting Grand Prix blueprint” for this year’s Brazilian event, writes our conspiracy theory correspondent, Hans Bangers.
After months of relentlessly pedestrian footslogs over the line from the 2009 World Boring Driving Champion, Buttons’ cheerless trudge to the trophy was in danger of causing all the people in the world to literally fall asleep at their remote controls triggering disaster for Grand Prix’s finances.
Advertisers, realising that millions of dollars of commercials carefully targeted at the key F1 demographic audience for crisps, cars and wank lines had threatened to cut their fees thereby destroying the entire commercial model of Grand Prix racing at a stroke unless something were done.
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“We were staring down the abyss”, Mahogany Dulux of FOCA’s Fleece the Public department commented.
“Without the advertisers paying the agreed rate, we were looking at a loss of monies sufficient to slash income from just under 800 billion to just over 799 billion – a potentially disastrous situation – especially in the current climate”, he added.
“Bernie realised pretty quickly that if something weren’t done, the reduced income would mean that in order to keep himself in emerald helicopters, unicorn shoes, gold plated toilet paper and baths of swan milk he’d have to sack loads of people.”
“He was devastated: having less people around to be condescending and dismissive to all day was unimaginable to him so it didn’t take long before he was on the phone pulling strings.”
Previously earmarked only for emergencies, global economic depressions or the apocalypse, Ecclestone had to call in a lot of favours from teams, drivers, FIA administrators and supernatural omniscient beings to get the plan to work.
“He wouldn’t tell us who he asked”, continued Dulux, “but you can bet that Trulli, Kobyashi and Rubens plus the lollipop man on Kovalainen’s car were all in on it and of course somebody had to sort the weather out: even Michael Schumacher can’t do that!”.
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And though Ecclestone was tight lipped on the subject others weren’t backwards in coming forwards concerning their belief the chaotic racing had Otherworldly fingerprints all over it,
“Somebody or something all-seeing and all-knowing must have owed him a favour,” said Mahogany.
“There was a rumour going around a while back that Bernie had managed to get hold of a load of loaves and fishes at short notice for some supernatural being so I’m not surprised that the most anti-climactic season for years suddenly got an unexpected injection of excitement with the bloating of the heavens, the rendering in twain with lightening of a blackened, bulbous sky and the unleashing of such a fearsome tempest that it didst drown the earth in unnatural vertiginous torrents,” he said.
It’s not known whether the midget billionaire twat-ring wants to sue Jehova for failing to make the championship last until the final race at Abu Dhabi but the consensus is that Bernie got as much as he could out of the deal.
“Apparently he couldn’t have both an exciting race in Brazil and the championship go to the final round: it was only one or the other”, Dulux commented, “Which I guess shows even Bernie couldn’t negotiate with the Creator!” he tediously guffawed for ages.