Fernando Alonso’s Ferrari contract has prompted Stefano Domenicali and Luca di Montezemolo to put the finishing touches to their P45s, writes our New Contract of Employment Correspondent, Babs Misandry.
Following feverish speculation, confirmation of the multiple world champion’s transfer to the Italian team sparked parallel moves amongst Ferrari’s 2 most senior employees to hand their notice in prior to their inevitable sticky and embarrassing demise at the hands of F1’s most destructive CEO talisman of doom.
Waving goodbye before accidentally on purpose falling down a manhole/getting electrocuted/poisoned/caught in a threshing machine
“It is a very proud moment to announce the arrival of a multiple world champion to our team”, said Domenicali whilst bouncing up and down on his suitcase trying to get the last of his stuff in.
“I would also like to take this opportunity to thank Ferrari for everything they’ve given me but feel now is the time to retire on a high rather than be sacked or have to resign in ignominy as the inevitable consequence of Fernando poisoning everything in some mysterious, unrelated and supernatural fashion.”
Alonso, who has driven and inadvertently ruined 3 teams since he arrived onto the scene with Minardi in 2001, (broken up, bought out and CEO sacked 5 years later) is a driver much admired in the paddock especially at Renault, (morally bankrupt, CEO and chief engineer sacked) where he won 2 Championships and even Mclaren, (record fine, reputation permanently tarnished, CEO nervous breakdown and resignation), despite the very public divisions that surfaced in his single, near fatal season at the Woking concern.
Witchcraft and hex experts are divided as to the precise reasons the Spaniard has caused such ruin and degradation amongst his employers. Some have suggested a connection between the 666mm² area of face covered by his eyebrows, others that the region of Spain he comes from is haunted by the spirit of Nostradamus whilst still others mutter darkly about the fact that he is a foot stamping Latin shit stirrer who disrupts everywhere he goes because of his preening egomania.
An icon of CEO doom, yesterday
But whatever the reasons behind The Curse of the Spaniard, team CEO and bouffant emblem, Di Montezemolo was adamant the sacrifices were worth making,
“It may seem like a Faustian Pact, but it’s a Faustian Pact made with the best of intentions despite the inevitable ruin, ignominy and devastation such a move will inevitably…oh no, hang on: that is a Faustian Pact”, he said before a blackened, skeletal claw reeking of the stench of a million miserable rotting corpses dragged him screaming into the bowels of a waiting nearby taxi and chariot of damnation.