Norfuck: the recent announcement by the FIA that Lotus is to return as a Grand Prix manufacturer in 2010 has sparked outrage by those who believe the current incarnation is an affront to the memory of the team set up by Colin Chapman, writes our trademark consultant, Bellweather Symposium.
The latest team to be given an entry to the 2010 grid started life as a bicycle shed in 1958 that dreamt of becoming a sports car manufacturer under the tutelage of engineering genius and dead fraudster, Colin Chapman.
And with the current owners looking to resurrect the famous name as part of a new Grand Prix assault, those who believe only the original incarnation has the legitimate authority to be called Lotus are said to be spitting blood or failing that, oil.
“And this is the bit that will break first”
“It’s an absolute disgrace”, Nigel Tosspot of hereditary motorsport magazine, Bearded Cockpit, told us.
“Everyone knows that in the beginning was Colin. And Colin saw a tubular steel chassis and he saw that it was good.”
“Placing a wheel as close as he could to each corner he didst weld it all together more or less – allowing for time and cost – added an engine and some electrics, (promising himself he’d sort it out properly when he had the time) and – lo! A car was born that could go, corner and stop as well as anything else on the road. Especially stop. And he called it Lotus and saw that it was good and…did you hear that?”
“Fuck, I think the alternator’s gone again.”
Others however, believe the story is – at best – an exaggeration, at worst, a nonsensical delusion indulged in by nostalgic middle aged hirsute buffoons.
“I don’t think you have to believe in the existence of Colin to believe in the existence of Lotus”, one analyst analysed.
An angry Lotus owner on his way to work, yesterday
“Whether or not Colin was real or just a figment of ruddy faced bearded real ale drinking twats’ imaginations, the fact that I have a 1999 Elan SE in my front drive is proof enough – whoever has owned the company since it evolved from the Eclat, Esprit and Excel before it.”
“That I haven’t been able to start it since 2002 due to a broken oil pump also tells me it is undeniably genuine”, he continued.
But authenticity or not, the new team is determined to achieve great things according to the new owners, “it’s like Cif or Snickers,” a spokesman for the team commented, “or…you know the opposite of that. I mean it’s just a name change. Or rather, it’s something new but with the old name. So it’s the opposite of Snickers…or Starburst if you want: but it’s still good!”, he thoroughly convinced his audience.