FIA sanctions paddock, “cheating and intimidation” refresher course

Open University: As well as causing F1 fans everywhere to immediately forget all that heartfelt sympathy offered to Felipe Massa following his Hungarian Grand Prix accident, the FIA has been forced into rapid action following the announcement by the Italian marque that 7-time former champion Michael Schumacher would take the Brazilian’s place, writes our coming-out-of-retirement correspondent, Chad Onions.

The Great* man lying about size of carp he caught in Monte Carlo harbour

With just 4 weeks until the undisputed** greatest driver of all time steps back into the freshly wiped down Brazilian’s cockpit, safely cushioned with $100 bills, the FIA have rushed to make arrangements for those drivers either completely inexperienced or forgetful of the German’s tendencies to push other drivers into the wall just before shrugging his shoulders and wondering what all the fuss was about.

“For 2 years now, the Paddock has grown used to excitement and controversy being driven by partisan incompetent stewarding decisions, slapstick company espionage, tired reprisals of the 80’s F1 admin wars and the head of the governing body being beaten on the arse by a load of prostitutes,” the FIA safety spokespersonAlan Spoff said to salivating journalists.

“Amidst the feverish coverage of Michael Schumacher’s return we are in danger of becoming complacent to the risk that this excitement and controversy could now be generated as it used to, by a German bloke bending the rules so much they meet back in the middle in between making all the other drivers’ lives, slightly more precarious”, he continued.

Whoops-a-daisy! Schumacher greatness reputation cementing in action

“We have therefore issued all the teams with an instructional DVD detailing our concerns using illustrations of the former champion’s questionable driving standards and ethics over an otherwise completely unblemished*** career in order that all members of the F1 fraternity can be fully aware of what they can expect once the great* man returns; 65 minutes running time, 10 Euros plus free p&p, US compatible available, wallchart 5 Euros 50”, he continued.

So whilst the former champion prepares himself by pounding round Mugello in a Fiat 500 Abarth, the rest of the paddock must gear themselves up for the German’s return rather differently.

“I’m looking forward to it”, one mechanic of another team said; “my job’s to replace any smashed up bits and I’m on overtime: brilliant!”

* allegedly

**disputed quite a lot

***sound of man falling off chair in shock

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