Budgens: An insider at BMW Sauber has sensationally revealed that the recent collapse of the Munich team was caused not by a lack of performance but a lack of funds thanks to their expensive driver speech therapist program, writes our team bankruptcy correspondent, Vic Sinex.
Announcing that their team was being disbanded at the end of the season, the German manufacturer told the world’s press that it was due to unprecedented economic pressures and a realignment of strategy that had caused them to terminate the F1 program at the end of 2009.
Heidfeld and Kubica, about to empty the room
But according to one insider this was just a smokescreen for the Hinwil concern’s inability to cut back on its enormously costly program to make their drivers respectable within the glamorous confines of F1 and less like gargling, lisping freaks.
“It’s an open secret inside BMW”, Chaz Chariot whispered into our reporter’s ear, “they have spent millions trying to get Heidfeld and Kubica to sound more presentable to the media ever since they started driving; but as you can see – and hear! – Heidfeld still can’t pronounce the letter “R” and whenever Kubica opens his mouth it’s as if the voice of Speak and Spell never died. The whole program’s been an utter debacle”, he confided.
PR programs are not new in the world of F1 of course and there have been numerous successful image makeovers. From the transformation of Chuckie Egg and Carpenters fan-geek, Jacque Villeneuve into the rebellious World Champion who challenged authority by wearing slightly bigger overalls than he needed and desperately re-colouring his thinning hair while he still could, to Bernie Ecclestone as arch capitalist and Ralf Schumacher, “the heterosexual”.
Speech Splurge: Beemer head over spent on jibber-jabber
But it seems as though turning the hairy German test card and Polish bulimia advert into charismatic raconteurs has proved ultimately ruinous for the former Nazi plane manufacturer.
“They have definitely bitten off more than they can chew this time”, said Chaz, “which is particularly unfortunate for Robert who as you know is prone to vomiting everything straight into the nearest recepticle even at the best of times”.