Yee-Ha! County, Idaho: Reports from Spain that former World Champ, Fernando Alonso is to drive for Ferrari next year have officially become the longest ever drawn out F1 rumour in history it has been announced.
Professor Yaffle, who has been tracking the truculent nonsense at the College of Westminster’s Banalities Department declared that the record had been officially broken on Tuesday the 14th of August following the publication of yet more tosh in a Spanish tabloid.
World Record: Alonso nonsense made it into eponymous stout book of freakery
The story, a re-heated load of flannel saying that a contract had already been signed for the Spaniard to join the famous Italian team extended the duration of speculative flim-flam and hot air regarding the Iberian’s imagined leanings toward the Scuderia to 1,526 days; breaking the previous record of idle guesswork and magazine-filler concerning Michael Schumacher’s retirement, set back in 2006.
Announcing the award to a packed email address book, the Professor went on to document the situation in pointless detail,
“Today’s story in La Marca, fuelled by some journalist’s idle hunch and a rabid parallel agenda by the Spanish media to engineer Fernando Alonso’s hiring by Ferrari, today becomes the longest rumour ever perpetuated in F1 circles”, he tapped into his keyboard once Casualty had finished.
“Since the very first bit of lazy invented gossip appeared in Publico on the 20th of March 2005 stating a categorical link between the Spaniard and Ferrari despite no accompanying evidence to back this up whatsoever, there has been over 8,000 bits of flotsam, column filler, innuendo and speculation concerning the alleged connection finally trumping the previous record of idle journalist’s guesswork concerning Michael Schumacher’s retirement which rumbled on almost as long as his career”, he typed over a cup of tea and a fig roll.
Ferrari-fiction: Alonso stories sometimes pushed tits off front page of Spanish tabloids
“Ironically however, the return of the previous record holder comes whilst the current record is still being extended which we have projected will last until September, when it is assumed Ferrari finally come to their senses and got rid of that lazy Finnish one”, Professor Yaffle continued.
Though not this one
“At this point we are projecting a doubly ironic situation in which speculation concerning Alonso stops but Schumacher coming back out of retirement starts. This completes the perpetual cycle of idle journalistic punditry, the universe falls into alignment and sports editors can go back to recycling half baked theories and suppositions as fact again”, he spluttered, before knocking his tea over and causing a short circuit in the power supply.
