Chanson d’amour: Renault are seeking to make a performance upgrade following their disappointing start to the 2009 season by exploiting the explosive power of their boss’s volcanic tirades, it has been revealed.
Following the latest outburst from the famous middle-aged preposterous playboy blunderbuss about other people unfairly being faster than them, Renault boffins have hit upon the concept of utilising Briatore’s volatility to enhance their KERS technology.
Renault boss gears up for power
It is thought that the system would work by stoking the perennially frosted glass spectacled buffoon’s anger by repeatedly mentioning the gap from Alonso’s Renault to the Brawn at the front of the field during critical moments of the race. The kilojoules emitted in the resulting Roman tantrum would then be converted to pure electricity by a series of knobs, levers, wires and switches and then “somehow or other” connected to the car, it’s reckoned probably.
“Possessing the ability to use Flavio’s histrionics as a means of boosting the power of the Renault will prove a valuable performance upgrade”, claimed head Renault boffin Michelangelo Mixtape.
“We estimate that Mr Briatore’s fulminating could mean a decrease in lap time of between 2 and 4 tenths of a second a lap depending on the strength and degree of hissy fit engendered”, he continued, “with the possibility of a half second advantage should Mr Briatore be in an especially bad mood. We are therefore looking into possible synergies with his wife who we believe may be able to assist by – for example – denying sexual favours, picking him up on his attire, what time he got in the previous night or why he never does the dishes or takes the dog for a walk”.
Something mechanically complicated
Renault have got off to a particularly bad start to their 2009 season with Fernando Alonso failing to score in all but 2 of the opening 5 races whilst Nelson Piquet…blah, blah, blah…fucking shite. It is hoped that the technology can therefore push them higher up the grid to about 6th or 7th, where they usually are.
“It could work”, said one expert, “but they have to be careful; if the performance increase moves them closer to the Brawn they may ironically find less power being generated as Flavio will be less upset. They may have to use other methods to make him angry therefore; possibly by pointing out which lap Piquet crashed on or maybe the latest score from Loftus Road” he pontificated.