Family court: the FIA have sought to draw a line under the “liargate” scandal by announcing that Mclaren would be electronically “tagged” until the end of the season.
The punishment will involve a sophisticated tracking device being attached to the delinquent team from Woking thereby allowing the governing body to know where it is and what it’s up to at all times, including outside office hours, during weekends and Bank Holidays.
“It is imperative that the FIA is seen to come down hard in situations where the integrity of the World Championship and Formula 1 in particular has been harmed by a team acting in the way these unruly scamps at Mclaren have”, said Judge Judy of the FIA legal department’s special Mclaren Misdemeanour Prosecution Division.
“In acknowledgement of their contrition however, coupled with previous good behaviour and having asked for other past misdemeanours to be taken into account we have decided against a custodial sentence. Instead we have arranged for them to be monitored for the rest of the season so that we can be sure that they are not getting up to mischief”, she wagged her finger in admonishment.
The tags, which will be made out of microchips and transistors and stuff will be installed by trained technicians from PC World and monitored using a high tech communications centre like those vans you see with all them computers and monitors in them and that in films like Mission Impossible, Spy Kids and The A Team.
It now means that – until the end of the season – the team will be forbidden to:
• Be out after 11:30 at night
• Venture beyond the boundaries of Surrey on non-race weekends
• Get tipsy even from champagne won through a podium finish
• Associate with a list of known troublemakers, including Mike Coughlan, Ron Dennis, Jackie Stewart, the BRDC, Martin Brundle and Sylvestor Stallone
Paragon: Red Lion now out of bounds for 2009
If Mclaren were found to breach any of their terms the FIA could then impose a custodial sentence which would involve the whole of the Paragon Centre being moved brick by brick, tinted glass panel by tinted glass panel and brushed aluminium electronic security door by brushed aluminium electronic security door to the basement of the FIA’s Place de la Concorde address for the whole of 2010.
“Oh like we’re really scared”, said a team representative when asked to comment.