Maranello cheque-writing department: Ferrari’s reaction to the FIA’s latest budget cap initiative will see Felipe Massa and Kimi Raikkonen race in their pants and vests for the 2010 season.
After going through their finances with a fine tooth comb prior to sacking their accountant, the Maranello team’s head honcho Luca de Montezemolo announced a major budget rethink in order to come in under the new funding cap announced by the FIA.
Speaking very rapidly before the meter ran out, Ferrari’s bouffant bigwig outlined the team’s thinking for next season, “Ferrari are committed to the principles outlined in the FIA’s budget cap announcement whilst at the same time remaining determined to operate at our most competitive within the resources at our disposal”.
“In light of these restrictions we have concluded that our strongest assets are the drivers. Since these are also the most expensive assets however we will therefore have to make suitable spending cutbacks around areas our accountants have declared non-critical which currently include the chassis, drivetrain, engine, tyres, brakes, aerodynamics and R&D.”
Ferr-Aldi: Italian team’s 2010 cost cutting
measures could be drastic
“The test track, petrol, team personnel, catering, hospitality, our fitness and diet specialists, the PR department, marketing, the factory itself, the wind tunnel, team transporter, hairdresser, team wear, tea, coffee and complimentary pastries…” gradually tailing off when it was realised nobody could afford to listen to him any longer.
Later the team revealed a full list of the finance fine-tuning measures printed on an IBM dot-matrix printer:
• Flights across Europe replaced by National Express coaches
• Driver marketing appearances substituted with cardboard cut-outs
• Sainsbury’s Basic pasta to replace Taste the Difference variety
• Montezemolo hairspray restrictions
• Kimi drinks cabinet to be “severely reduced”
“These measures will ensure Ferrari are still able to hold their heads high when we step up to the grid for the 2010 season,” a substitute spokesman later commented, “literally. Before stepping off it again”.