Antidisestablishmentarianism: head F1 honcho Bernie Ecclestone last night shrugged off criticism regarding the enforced late start times for the Australian and Malaysian Grand Prix, insisting that Europe’s timekeepers instead were to blame.
Whilst his valet rang rainwater out of bundles of cash amidst the sounds of cars being swept into a storm drain in pitch darkness, FOCA’s unter-ubermeister refused to accept responsibility for the carnage generated in the first 2 rounds of the 2009 F1 championship, insisting that the only reason both races started so late was that EU governments had selfishly blocked his instructions that the clocks in those countries go forward 8 hours.
Europe: backward in coming forward, said Ecclestone
“What the EU did was very dangerous”, his shortness proclaimed to the assembled media, “races always start after lunch and before tea; after my lunch and before my tea. The only way to satisfy the spectators, the viewers and – most importantly – my dining habits was to start both races at the same time as usual but put the clocks forward where the viewers lived to compensate.”
“These governments failed fully to appreciate the consequences of refusing to listen to me however and as a result we were forced to delay the start times of both races leading to very hazardous conditions for all” the billionaire chirruped. “In particular, I became extremely hungry in Australia and spoiled my tea when I was forced to have a bag of peanuts between mealtimes – though you don’t hear me going on about it” he said, going on about it,
And despite the fact that 350 million people would have spent most of their working day at night, traffic accidents and suicides would increase 10 fold together with electricity and carrot bills the commercial head of F1 remained defiant, “look: I have to worry about our commercial revenues. Do you have any idea how much money Slavica wants off of me?” he continued, “if I don’t get another billion by next Tuesday I’ll be flying to China on fucking Easyjet”, he squeaked angrily.