Purgatory: The Almighty Jehova today issued an apology for failing to accurately target Mclaren during the Malaysian Grand Prix with a storm of biblical proportions.
The divine downpour – which measured up to 6.4 on the Revelation scale – was intended to punish Mclaren and Lewis Hamilton for bearing false witness against their neighbours, Toyota but instead accidentally accounted for the cars of Giancarlo Fisichella and Sebastian Vettel, neither of whom had even so much as failed to honour their mothers and fathers or coveted their neighbour’s ox.
Taking a brief moment out from dispassionately observing all of his creation and allowing mankind to account for their own destinies through the action of free will, the Absolute Being addressed the media via a series of incinerating foliage:
Holy press conference!
“I wish to apologise for the inaccurate brimstones hurled by myself at competitor number 1, Lewis Hamilton and his team of cussed heathens, Mclaren on Sunday the 5th of April,” this hawthorn bush crackled.
“29 laps into the race, still beside Myself with rage at the weekend’s blaspheming by the perfidious Surrey-based infidels, I lost my temper and – in an error of divine judgement – hurled several thunderbolts and summoned forth all the waters of the air in an attempt to punish the Anglo-German heretics.”
“Unfortunately, having consumed slightly too much communion wine at an earlier lunch it appears these inaccurate – but well intentioned – bolts of retribution missed the target.
“In addition, due to a miscalculation possibly brought about by the aforementioned 2 – or was it 3? – bottles of Mateus Rose, the amount of water summoned was far in excess of the very localized drowning I intended with the result that the entire track and several square miles of local farmland became severely flooded; stopping the race, drowning some cows and causing several fat Englishmen to slide down a bank in just their pants.“
God: wayward thunderbolt hurling followed piss-up
“I am very sorry for these unfortunate pre-ordained events”, the bush spluttered.
“It has been a few thousand years since I last intervened in the lives of men and I guess omniscience just got the better of me; the race was shaping up to be a cracker and I can only apologise at the curtailed enjoyment for everyone”.
Yet whilst most believers welcomed the penitent utterances of the Supreme Being many remained unsatisfied, “it’s all very well and good for the Creator of the Universe to apologise,” one fan complained.
“But I had a tenner on Glock and until I hear he’s going to reimburse me I will remain a disappointed agnostic,” he grumbled before being struck by lightning and his body hurled into a perpetual burning lake of fire.
