Scotland Yardy: Mclaren were left reeling last night when it was revealed that, together with blueprints of their Formula 1 car, the Woking team were also in possession of sensitive documents concerning how Ferrari went about cheating all the time.
The sensational revelation came about following Mclaren’s botched attempt to fib to Australian stewards following some convoluted overtaking shenanigans it’s frankly too tedious to go into here all over again. Suffice to say however that the Woking team attempted to use the Italian team’s cheat charter in a bid to get 3rd place at the Australian race but got found out because they were unable to fully understand the text.
Experts reconstruct Dave Ryan’s address to Oz stewards
It would appear that the proud Surrey team came a cropper due to Ron Dennis’ famous pathological hatred of the Maranello-based team and his refusal to even employ anybody who can understand the classical Romance language. Whilst the calculations and technical drawings of the F2007 were comprehensible to the Mclaren engineers therefore, the hoodwink handbook – also handed over by ex-rogue Ferrari mechanic, Nigel Stepney – remained an enigma.
The manual itself has been a legend in the paddock and is thought to have secured several championships for the scarlet cars with its expert guidance on the dark arts of cons, scams, fibbing, tricking and general bamboozlement. It’s handing over by Stepney – who famously became upset when his long Ferrari service was not rewarded with being made king of Italy – could have proved crucial to future Mclaren success until manager Dave Ryan made his mistake.
A book full of fibs similar to the Ferrari one, yesterday
It is thought that the long-serving team manager failed to comprehend a crucial passage instructing personnel only to lie when they were wearing a team uniform that was red with a prancing horse on it. According to insiders who have seen the Italian mendacity manual, this is when Stewards were most likely thought to succumb to myopic, misty-eyed wistfulness and decide to forgive everyone for everything. Ryan and Hamilton – wearing silver Mclaren-Mercedes uniforms – would have been sitting ducks the minute they tried to pull the wool over anyone’s eyes therefore.
“It seems like the classic case of one multi-million pound car company stealing the inside tips of another multi-million pound car company; failing to translate it properly and – with much hubris – attempting to use it anyway after giving confusing instructions to their driver about overtaking another driver of another multi-million pound car company for which they were potentially going to lose out on a position and being caught out in a highly embarrassing fashion as a direct result. I’ve seen it happen time and time again,” an expert pontificated.
If true however, it seems unlikely Ferrari will make as much of a fuss as they did over the pinched F1 car blueprints. “They daren’t admit it exists”, the expert experted: “the second the FIA realise Ferrari actually have an instruction manual on how to cheat they could throw the book at them. Though it would be a very small book. Without any pages,” he contemplated, sucking on his pipe and thinking quite hard about it for quite some time.