RBS Stewart cash in Mansell charity mouth clamp plea

Loch Aye: Cash-strapped failed financial institution RBS have been urged to donate the money recently given up by its roving tartan ambassador Jackie Stewart to a charity funding research into getting Nigel Mansell to stop talking, it was revealed last night.

After bowing to public clamour to give-up his lucrative stipend swanning around the world pretending that nothing whatsoever was wrong with the technically insolvent former gambling institution, the money is thought to have gone back to RBS coffers, also known as a massive fucking black hole, unspent.

For once not the main thrust of an RBS story; looks like a smug bastard though, doesn’t he?

In an ironic twist of fate however, campaigners reacting to Britain’s most famous ex-moustachio’d sportsman after Graham Gooch and Mark Lawrenson; and probably Robin Smith and Alan Lamb as well come to think of it.

Campaigners reacting to Britain’s 5th most famous moustachio’d ex-sportsman’s – actually, does he even have a moustache any more? sod it, I’ve got this far – outburst regarding Hamilton’s championship being less impressive than his because Lewis had fewer cars to lap, urged RBS to donate the money to a charity attempting to prevent the increasingly irrelevant Brummie tit ever opening his ridiculous, conceited mouth again.

Fuck, he’s shaved

“In these times of global financial pressure” a spokesman for the charity said, “funding for these sorts of worthy causes is sadly hard to come by. We believe in this situation however, that it would be appropriate if the money saved from getting one irritating ex-world champion to be quiet would be best spent getting an even more irritating one to do the same”.

The charity –Has-Been Peace – have not explicitly stated how they intend to halt the incoherent ramblings of Britain’s most self-important ex-sportsman but are said to be currently experimenting with a gimp mask, duct tape, industrial strength hemp rope, very deep cellar and a fucking big hammer.

Said a spokesman, “I reckon a pick axe handle would do it but some of my colleagues suggest chloroform or just sealing him in an airtight room. Once we’ve got the details sorted out though – and the funding – I say we just get a move on before it’s too bloody late for everybody”.

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