New FOTA winner-takes-all rules – Drivers admit: “victory concept escapes us”

Paris, Texas: F1 drivers responding to the radical new champion-with-the-most-wins rules proposal by FOTA acknowledged today that prior to the suggestion, they had no real understanding of the merit of finishing first.

The proposal, designed to make drivers at the front more likely to crash for the vacuous pleasure of an easily bored, capricious audience, would have created F1 champions based purely on the number of wins rather than points scored over a season. Controversially, the rule was to enter the regulations this year but has been deferred by a season to allow everyone enough time to stop rolling around on the floor in incredulous laughter.

In an amazing twist of fate however, it would seem that the revamp is entirely prescient given the level of comprehension offered by the entire F1 grid upon being quizzed about their understanding of the notion of victory.

Can this 8 year old teach F1 drivers what to do?

When asked to explain his understanding of the hypothesis Kimi Raikkonen looked baffled.  Despite having finished in that position on 17 separate occasions he believed the top step of the podium was simply another FIA device measuring the legality of everyone’s height; the Finnish national anthem merely a signal for free booze.

Other finishers-ahead-of-everyone-else-achievers were similarly confused; “I thought winning only happened in football and rugby and stuff”, Jenson Button said, “or is it wars?” whilst Sebastian Vettel giggled uncontrollably before wetting himself.

Unsurprisingly, sponsors of the new rules, FOTA jumped on the revelation, “we have always wondered why there have been a lot fewer accidents than in the old days when everything was way better than it is now by miles”, said a spokesman.

What am I doing up here? What’s this thing in my hand? Who are you people?

“This proves irrefutably that everyone has been driving round and round for years not trying to overtake because nobody understood what the point was; now drivers will be forced to grasp the concept of winning and we will finally see loads of overtaking or hopefully crashing which as I’m sure everyone agrees is a lot better than the boring shite we’ve had to put up with for the last 30 years or however long ago we decided the golden age was,” he added shaking his fist, flecking spit over a microphone.

With a year before the rules go into place therefore, the drivers have just 17 races to work out what it is they have to do in order to be champion in 2010.

As Lewis Hamilton himself said, “I can’t wait for 2010 when I can go for these things called wins. I have fuck all chance of doing that this year, that’s for sure”.

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