Paragon Technology Park: Defending world champions Mclaren declared today that they are strongly placed to appear not to have disastrously lost their 2009 World Championship already with their strongest PR line-up yet.
Unveiling each separate new bobbing turd from the glittering streak of piss that is Mclaren’s Public Relations department, new chief Martin Whitmarsh hailed those at the cutting edge of persuading everyone that nobody in the team is complaining about anything, everything will be alright very soon, just you see and would you like a free hat with our brilliant sponsor’s logo on it?
Some pointless wankers like the ones Mclaren now employ, yesterday
“Gearing up for a new season with a car slower than glaciation during a thaw, it is crucial to Mclaren’s future success that we make our present failures as dissimilar to mediocrity and least like a debacle as possible,” the MD burbled.
“We are supremely confident given the current bag of spanners masquerading as our 2009 championship challenger that we have gained a march on the other constructors when it comes to making excuses, absolving ourselves of blame and mitigating the general tardiness of this already recalcitrant tractor and can therefore be very bullish that the likely embarrassment of this season will actually look more like quiet confidence about something only we seem to know anything about,” he confidently predicted.
Whitmarsh attempting respectability by trying the old “suit & tie” routine
Other teams are said to be taking the threat of looking as shit as Mclaren in 2009 despite being better, very seriously. Toyota, whose car could probably lap the Woking bucket have taken on Advertising Agency Wankz! to point out they’re the red and white car driving round in circles in front of about as many cars as they’re behind whilst both BMW and Williams have invested hundreds of thousands of Euros hiring as many as 3 overpaid consultants to advise them how to talk to the media about their drivers’ salaries, massive opulent apartments in tax havens and ridiculously attractive, nubile girlfriends without making the public want to stab them in the eye with a biro.
And even Ferrari who have arguably the strongest historical bedrock of ready made insincerity, fluff and flimflam have been forced to make a TV advertisement starring Michael Schumacher in the hope everyone can forget who currently drives for them.
Mclaren were still confident they are top dogs for bullshit in ’09 however, “there is no way we can lose,” Whitmarsh added, “even if we do which is going to happen quite a bit I imagine”.