Brawn mechanic helium balloon snag tree-top terror trip sparks underweight accusation

Rumourmongersville: Accusations Brawn GP have been running underweight cars in an attempt to gain lap time and sponsors in the run up to the season-opening Australian Grand Prix have been angrily denied despite firm evidence to the contrary, it was revealed in a far too long opening sentence.

The unexpected speed of the new car during testing led many to suggest that Brawn were running illegally light to entice possible sponsors into a partnership that would enable the team to continue the season without having to eat spaghetti hoops on toast all the time whilst sleeping in a Volkswagen Caravelle out the back of the paddock.

Brawn GP denied these claims but a recent incident came to light suggesting the team may be in hot water or at least, a very, very warm bath when the car was spotted skimming the tree tops of a field close by to the Jerez circuit with a mechanic hanging from a sidepod.

Closer inspection revealed a child’s balloon had unexpectedly snagged the rollover hoop hoisting the supposed 600kg car into the air and dragging an unfortunate mechanic with it when his overalls caught on a mirror as he was refilling the screen wash.

The Brawn Deflation? 

The mechanic then spent a terrifying 10 minutes in the air as the car was tugged hither and thither by the mercurial zephyr, eventually depositing both car and employee on the ground when the balloon was burst by a passing crow, mistaking it for a massive flying apple.

Denying the airship adventure was anything more than a lot of hot-air hiatus, Brawn’s spokesman Martin Bullshit said, “we know what happened.”

“We were just experimenting with magnets on the KERS system and had reversed the polarity causing the car to be momentarily deflected upwards away from the metal strip in the tarmac. Once over the trees the magnetism ceased operating and the car came to earth: the child’s balloon is a red herring.”

Others were not so sure, however.  “It seems suspicious to me”, an observer objecting to being identified as Christian Horner commented.

“Their excuse doesn’t sound all that plausible and it was a very small balloon: my guess is they could be running at least 5 or 6kg underweight: maybe more as I’m not even sure the balloon had helium in it”.

One way or the other though, everyone will know for sure when the teams turn up in Australia and go on the scales for the first time, unless they’re broken in which case we won’t know until we get some scales that do work.

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