Hill Valley: A top scientist last night raised fresh concerns regarding the controversial FIA-sponsored KERS system by sensationally cautioning that it could inadvertently cause time travel under certain circumstances.
Dr Helmut Brown, head of his own Springfield Institute of Weird Science and holder of a doctorate from the Passadena Institute of Yee-Har! Mathematics issued the warning following his own studies into similar systems, claiming that it was during one of his investigations using a modified version of the technology powered by plutonium and hooked up to a now defunct 1980’s sports car that the dangerous phenomena was first observed.
“I was conducting a series of remote control runs with my dog, Einstein strapped into the passenger seat at my secret research facility”, the Doctor began; “and was steadily increasing the velocity of the car in order to investigate energy consumption and its corollary, conservation when I observed an amazing phenomena.”
“At just under 90mph what appeared to be a gigantic lightening bolt suddenly speared out of the car, there was an explosion and the next thing I knew both it and Einstein had disappeared save for 2 flaming tyre marks.”
Helmut’s laboratory: home to cutting edge physics and diet pill mail order business
The former bin man and benefit-fraudster went on to explain how he spent the next 10 minutes bamboozled by what had happened, “I rushed to where the car had just been but save for a rapidly spinning number plate that was icy cold to the touch it had completely disappeared“, he exclaimed all boggle-eyed.
The Doc claims he then scoured the Nuneaton Asda car park trying to work out where the car had gone to, “I was calling out Einstein’s name in the hope he may have been able to jump out just before the car disappeared but remembered that I’d lashed him by his collar to the grab handle. I was beginning to get distraught when all of a sudden it reappeared”.
Amazingly, claims the doctor, both car and dog were unharmed during the frankly not-very-plausible events, “just as I had begun to give up hope of ever seeing Einstein or the car again, the car re-materialized almost at the very spot it had disappeared and at the same speed; again in a violent flash of electricity”, he continued.
Could the laws of physics have been broken in this Warwickshire car park?
“I rushed over to the car once it had come to a halt, wrenched open the door – which for some reason was almost impossibly cold – and Einstein, apart from having soiled himself during the incredible adventure, was alive and well still sitting in the same place I had put him not half an hour before.”
But in an observation likely to place a dark cloud over the FIA’s insistence on the implementation of KERS technology, Dr Brown made an incredible discovery,
“It was only after I had done a complete systems check and disinfected the front seat that I noticed something incredible: Einstein and the car had been gone for less than a quarter of an hour – between half past 2 in the morning and just after a quarter to 3: but the clock said it was already 3 AM. The only plausible explanation – apart from a loose wire or getting my times mixed up – was that both Einstein and the vehicle had jumped forwards in time!” he exclaimed.
A clock yesterday, running backwards
“If my calculations are correct – and like I said I am a bit forgetful plus I’d been drinking quite a lot what with my wife having run off with my lab assistant the week before and everything – the implications are frightening: not only could teams cheat by traveling to the end of the race without having done the correct number of laps but terrifying accidents never before envisaged could happen as cars traveling on the same piece of track but on different days of the week inadvertently materialise on top of each other,” he blurted out in a semi-coherent fashion.
For their part, the FIA responded cautiously: “we have read of Dr Brown’s concerns with some interest and have requested written evidence supporting his theory in order to study his claims in more detail. Unfortunately we have yet to hear back from his solicitor who is currently acting as sole intermediary whilst he undergoes trial for the mis-selling of dietary supplements, TV licence evasion and aggravated burglary”.
