Ad-free F1 raises Andrex sales downturn fears

Marketing-land: movers and shakers in the world of fast moving consumer goods were concerned last night following the publication of market research analysis suggesting significant retail sales drops in the new BBC ad-free F1 era.

Rather than a lack of opportunities to woo gullible couch potatoes into purchasing shiny ephemera they don’t want pedaled by a visible representation of their exact genetic, cultural and sartorial opposite however, researchers discovered that the merchandise meltdown would actually be caused by traditional audiences ceasing traditional sedentary functions due to their natural break being removed.

F1 fans wonder when to empty their bowels without an ITV producer telling them

Instead of fleeing the room in terror at the first sign of a poodle salivating over a White Snake soundtrack to make a cup of tea, drop the kids off at the pool, call their mum’s at the local cancer ward or fulfill some other whim easily fulfilled in a 2 minute ad break, it was discovered the typical fan preferred to stay rooted to the spot, convinced – despite frequent and habitual evidence to the contrary – that they might miss something exciting. As one ad exec alarmed, the implications are alarming,

“With the commercial breaks, F1 fans were happy to go off and boil a kettle or take a dump but now these same people are unable to leave their television sets and instead either go thirsty or soil themselves.

“This is not only unhygienic but could prove fatal to manufacturers of tea bags, toilet paper, Prozac and other popular ad-break consumer durables,” the bloke with a lop-sided haircut and shiny pin-stripe suit said in a way which made you physically ill.

If true it is yet another worry for the government, desperate to prop up spending in the credit crunched economy though there is a plus side for at least one industry analyst pointed out.

“The strain of sitting in one place drinking cheap lager for an hour and a half’s race, let alone the build-up and press conferences afterwards will put a massive strain on the bladders and colons of F1 fans everywhere; with the inevitable accidents, peddlers of upholstery cleaning products or seamstresses employed in the re-upholstering market should have a field day”, he straw-clutched.

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