Ennyowliun: Shortly after tidying David Coulthard’s final re-arrangement of his RB5 into the now weekly-rented Red Bull skip, the aforementioned was awarded yet another trophy to go with his 13 GP victor’s cups and Wide Face Magazine’s 2001 Man-of-the-Year commemoration plate by Renault’s Head of Engine Track Operations.
Announcing the award to a packed wreckers’ yard, Denis Chevrier praised the brave Scot’s 2008 performances.
“David has been a stalwart performer over the years but also a canny and intelligent one who knows not only how to maximise his achievements but maximise the right achievements at the right time.”
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“It is only correct and proper therefore, that in these increasingly environmentally sensitive times we should acknowledge David’s undoubted skills in this area by awarding him this splendid trophy of one of his many pristine engines that failed to turn so much as a lap being as the rest of the car was already in bits across the rest of the track”.
But even as tearful, sleep-deprived Red Bull mechanics applauded the popular British driver’s bauble the ethics surrounding its award were already being questioned by environmentalists.
“Whilst it may be true that Mr DC has hardly burnt a thimble full of petrol this year we believe that he shouldn’t be rewarded due to his own incompetence”, Greenpeace activist Emily Lentils protested.
“In fact, as a result of his many accidents we think he should be rewarded the largest carbon fibre footprint of 2008 for the thousands of tons of racing car he has so comprehensively polluted the race tracks of the world with this year.”
But the controversy was unlikely to dent the now ex-F1 driver’s send-off who collected his award to a rousing hand clap shortly before tripping over the lectern, falling off the podium and dropping the new trophy into a million different shattered pieces.